Dear Diary (and grown child),
I'm not sure if you'll even see this, since you have little interest in what it is that I do, where I go, or what I think.
These tips and tricks are meant to be a guide to living in my house. They are by no means all inclusive. They they may explain, however, why I'm beginning to take a rather passitve-aggressive and oftentimes aggressive-aggressive stance towards you as of late.
13. Be Courteous. You are not fulfilling me somehow by being here; in fact, my closest friends groaned when I told them you were moving in with me. I am a person, with a life, pursuits, friends, hobbies, activities, routines, and interests. Do not expect me to re-arrange to accommodate you. Once you are old enough to look me in the eye, you are no longer my precious baby, my hijita, my bundle of joy. You are a homeless person living in my house and eating my food.
12. Be Real. You've told me that your goal is to be a housewife. I don't have a problem with that per se, but remember that you have to:
1) be a wife, and 2) have a house.
11. Be Neat. Don't leave wet towels on the floor. Don't leave pee in the toilet. Don't leave your makeup and toiletries all over. It's not your bathroom. It's my guest bath. Don't take dishes in to the guest room. Don't leave dishes in the guest room. Don't put dirty dishes into the drawers in the guest room. Don't call it your room...It's my guest room. Those are my dishes. And goddamned it, MY ANTS.
This is not a hotel. There is no maid service.
10. Don't take my stuff. My work is emotionally draining. I sometimes have small amounts of certain comfort foods set aside and I come home to relax. I may go for weeks without touching them but that doesn't mean it's open season on anything in the cabinet or fridge, or that you have free use of my ipod dock, or any of my stuff. Recent examples: frozen shrimp, the provolone, my wheat thins, anything else I haven't discovered yet.
IT"S NOT AS THOUGH WE HAVEN'T ALREADY HAD THIS CONVERSATION ABOUT SIX TIMES.
(And while we're at it, you didn't "find" it in the cabinet, because it wasn't "lost".)
9. Plan Ahead. Don't use up the mayonnaise, the catsup, the hot sauce, the tuna, toilet paper, paper towels, various clearing supplies, or any household stuff without telling me and tell me if we're about to run out. I do not go to the store in the middle of the week. Recent examples: AGAIN, WE'VE HAD THIS CONVERSATION 6 TIMES.
7. Quit bugging me about your virtual boyfriend. He's not your boyfriend. You don't know him. You've never met him. You've seen his picture, and talked on phone. No, I don't have any advice for you on your recent spat. Why? BECAUSE I'VE NEVER MET HIM, AND NEITHER HAVE YOU.
6. Get moving, Part 2. Sitting on your ass all day on the internet turning in online applications is not "looking for a job." Also, you don't get weekends off from being unemployed.
5. Be Courterous, Part 2. Do not stay up until midnight and THEN decide to go do things in the kitchen. The people who are supporting you are trying to sleep.
4. Mine. Not Yours. It doesn't matter if I have unlimited long distance and local; I am the one who pays the bill. It's just plain rude to use my cell phone late at night after I've gone to sleep, or to spend hours on the house phone.
|Yeah - it's all funny until the homicide squad arrives.|
3. WAKE UP. Don't act put out when I wake you up in the morning by banging loudly on the guest room door. Alarm clocks are simple to operate. WAKE YOURSELF UP.
2. It's my house, deal with it. Do not presume to snicker or mock me or complain about how messy I am, how I leave cabinet doors open, or how loud I was last night. And don't try to manipulate me; if you tell me you'll have to live in a shelter if I make you leave, I will merely offer tips and tricks to avoid being mugged. By the way, you should be so lucky at age 46 to have something to be loud about.
1. Don't be such a drama queen. Do not sing loudly enough along with Sarah McLaughlin while you're in the kitchen to wake the coyotes. Don't post your angst about how I "treat" you on FaceBook...or how despondent you are over my latest tirade. I'm a therapist, but I'm not your therapist.
Sweetie, adults who live with their parents regress. You have regressed.
It's time for you to move out.
It's time for you to move along.