Saturday, June 02, 2018

Dear Diary,

I'm sitting here, looking out the window.  I did 3 miles this morning.  Big whoop.  After recovering from CDiff last month, I got a cold.  Just a cold.  I guess.  For he past 2 weeks, when I've tried to go out and do a run, I've doubled over with coughing. Fucking coughing.  It's my nemesis.

At what point do I simply give up?

At what point do. simply say, "I'm destined to be sickly and coughing for the rest of my life.  The end."  ?

After recovery from Cdiff, for three glorious weeks I was working my way up to running most then mot of my workouts.  Then I dipped into a petris dish.  I bought a cold.  Just a cold.  I've been drowning ever since.  Coughing and choking, peeing my pants, and trying to walk 2 miles without coughing and choking.  I have a pain in my side.  I think I may be developing a hernia from all he coughing.

Will I ever be not sick?

Will I ever be normal?

I'm beginning to thing I won't.  I'm beginning to think I should accept that my life, as I had planned it, is not what I thought it would be.  I will not be an ultra runner.  I will be sickly.

that is not what I wanted my life to be.

I wonder if I will need to redefine myself as someone else.  Someone who is sickly and does some stuff.  I hate being this person, the whining person who has excuses and reasons.  I'm not that person.

Fuck.  I feel hopeless.


....

7 comments:

  1. So happy to see you blogging again! Totally sucks that you got C Diff but you BEAT IT! Hope you feel better soon. While I've never been severely sick, they say positive thinking is a huge part of recovery. So stay positive! Maybe start a gratitude journal? Focus on the good things every day. Stay strong :)

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  2. Don’t give up, but please give yourself grace!! I’ve also gone through a rough patch heathwise this year, and it was super hard to adjust my thinking on what fitness means to me, and building into a routine that is possible for me, even if it’s so much less than what I had previously been doing.

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  3. Random internet person here, silently lurking since discovering your blog while training for an ironman ages ago. I have no great insight - just that things will get better, they always do, you have to endure the current badness but if you do - good times are ahead.

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  4. I wanted to tell you how much your blog has been an inspiration for me and I know how much it sucks to lose all your gains and start again from square one. I'm pretty much there as well, and I don't even have a good excuse. On the other hand 3 miles is a big whoop! I know it sucks compared to all the epic shit that you've done in the past, but it's still pretty good compared to the general public, and more importantly an improvement over yesterday. When it feels like life is beating you down, take any victory you can, take any joy in achievement you can, don't compare yourself to the person you were years before, just the person you were yesterday. Trite bullshit, easy to say and hard to do, but I know you are tough and I believe you can keep fighting and can prevail (yet again).

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  5. I had the same thing years ago and it turned out to be asthma. Worse in dry climates.

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  6. I’m so glad to see you blogging again but sad (and somewhat horrified) at what youv’ve been going through! I’m so glad to hear you’re getting stronger and better every day. One of your lurker groupies who follows you for inspiration and your ‘real talk’. :-)
    ▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️

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  7. So sorry to hear you are feeling poorly and it has got you down.
    But don't give up...maybe some health "debugging" is required?

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