All of this came to a head with the death of my mother after a long illness, leaving me alone to deal with three children, and life and the sudden realization of how very, very complicated and difficult life had become. And how much I could hurt. And eventually, how much I could overcome.
That seems long ago, now. It's been ten years since then, and when I would have settled for good enough, I got better than that. But now, I'm a spectator to the despair that I hear and see in phone calls and emails from people I care about. The kind that I felt once.
But you--you are no stronger or better than I, so you will get through it, as I did once. You will get better, I promise. You will be happy again.
I would never try to minimize your pain. I just want you to know that one day you will no longer feel like you're waking every day to a nightmare, wondering if it will end, and wishing desperately for a way to stop hurting. I remember days when I would wake up, and before I opened my eyes, the pain of another day of dealing with my life was already on me. I remember late one night, standing on a good friend's front porch, in a nightgown and raincoat, crying in the rain, knocking on her door, clutching yet another divorce decree in my hand. I moved through it, one day at a time. I took care of myself, and leaned on and cried with people who cared for me.
Move forward, one day at a time. Always believe and know that there is a better future for you, and happy times, whether it is alone or with someone else.
I got better. Life got better. You will, too.
There will be a day when you wake up and you feel normal, and there will even a day when you look back and your hurt is a distant memory. The memory of how bad life can feel and how much life can hurt will make you appreciate life and it will seem a little better for it. You will be stronger.
You will be happy again. I promise.