Numbers: a Thursday Thirteen.

Me, at six

Dear Diaries,

1. SIX. Does anyone being six? I have a vague recollection of being given a Barbie, which was boring and stupid and was immediately put in all manner of peril for me and my friends to rescue. I wore Sears Tuffskin jeans, which made climbing trees easier. I was loved. The world was a safe, predictable place. That was pretty much my world.

I ask you to hold onto the idea of being six for a moment while I share a little about where I work.

2. FOUR. In the state of New Mexico, there are four acute-care hospital units where children under 18 go when they are out of control, psychotic, or suicidal. There used to be more, but nothing is more non-profit than children’s behavioral health, so they’ve all shut down, until just four are left, for a state of over a million people, a state with the seventh highest youth suicide rate in the United States.

3. TWO. In New Mexico, only two of the four acute units are non-profit. Both in Albuquerque, each takes patients from Albuquerque and most of the rest of the state.

4. TWELVE. We have twelve beds total, on the unit.

5. SIXTEEN. We would like to have sixteen beds, but that requires remodeling. Re: above and non-profitability of children’s behavioral health. We make enough to pay the bills. Nothing's left over. Every corner than can be cut has been cut. Most of the children we see live well below the poverty level--New Mexico has the second highest child poverty rate in the nation. Many are in state custody, having been abused, and many have mental retardation, or autism, or both. Every staff member in the unit has bought toys or other supplies out of the their own pockets.

6. ONE. We are the only private non-profit acute psychiatric unit for children in the state. The other non-profit, a university medical sciences center, sends us kids they don't feel they can handle.

7. ONE. I used to be puzzled as to why a major state university health sciences center couldn’t handle a pediatric behavioral patient. Then, one day as we were considering whether to take a patient who required one-to-one staffing, I realized that we needed only to consult one suoervisor, and then a staff member is called in, usually within one day. I suspect that at this other, university-affiliated hospital it requires several requisitions, forms, and an act of the state senate to get more staff.

8. EIGHT. The entire hospital system I work for is run by a foundation. They use extra money to build other hospitals, and now there are eight.

9. EIGHT. I have an ER list set up on my computer that gives me the ages and reasons for being in the ER. No names—just age and reason for being in the ER. It keeps me prepared for possible admissions, because I alone on the unit am the therapist, social worker, and insurance reviewer.

10. ELEVEN. Eleven people are on the board of trustees. Every year they hold a major fundraiser, which benefits some part of the hospital. This year, they chose our unit. The benefit is held in August of every year, and includes a fancy sit-down dinner, comedian, silent auctions, and raffle. Here’s a link.

11. SIX. Remember six? Last week I received a call from a local therapist asking me if I could do a suicide assessment on a six-year-old who is in child protective custody. This child is in treatment foster care and had been hoarding knives and threatening to kill himself. I told the therapist to take him to our emergency room for an evaluation.

12. SIX. Before I left for the day, I consulted the ER list to see if any six-year-olds had been brought in. There was, indeed, a six-year-old who was in the ER for a suicide assessment.

13. In fact, there were TWO.

...

 

 

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More on that later.

Dear Diary,

This week I decided I wasn't hydrating enough. As in, I go all day barely drinking anything. To get me back into the habit of drinking regularly, I've started drinking diet soda and flavored water to make me more likely to drink.

Cheaper than coffee.

But do you think the doctors where I work appreciate that? Noooooo. Yesterday, I walked into rounds and plopped this into the middle of the table:

 

 

 

Shrieking and hysterics ensued.

What is THAT? What's in there? What are you drinking?

Before I continue with my story it behooves me to introduce new characters: Dr. Zen and Dr. Drama.

Both are MDs, hence the unsolicited advice on my 64-ounce morning repast. Both are board certified specialists, which is why they work with me on the children's psychiatric unit.

Dr. Zen has been a child psychiatrist for decades, He's often pretty mellow, though he is not without some occasional flights of fancy. He does a lot of thinking, often for so long that he needs reminding, "we'll know what you're thinking when it's in the chart. Please put it in the chart." He haaaaates technology and is quite put out and offended by its intrusion into his life. I can't communicate with him by any other means than telephone. But when he does write his reports they are quite an entertaining read. They are a lengthy narrative containing every detail one could need on the life of a child in our unit. He teaches all the kids breathing and meditation, and spends hours with families in person or on the phone. He is much more interested in getting kids services and therapy than most. He looks a little like John Denver.

Dr. Drama really, really wants to be mellow, but he's prone to exageration and some catastrophising. He gets a bit dramatic at times, e.g., "can you call [dr. X] in [town]? I can't speak to him! He makes my ears bleed!" This said with much emphasis and some flailing, and then perhaps anecdotes. Note: Dr. Drama hates, for the record, the nickname Dr. Drama, so shhhhhh. His reports are tight, structured, clear, rarely contain adverbs but use words and phrases that frankly, I think are overly complicated. "... hit his head on the wall, causing epitaxis." (Nosebleed). Or, "several self-inflicted cuts on her left lateral iliac crest" (hip). Dr. Drama likes technology. It's not unusual to get a text from him: pls find play thrpst for 12 y.o. Fem. that takes BCBS. (Please find me a play therapist for a 12 year old girl that takes Blue Cross insurance) perhaps at 7 on a Saturday night, for his clinic patients, which is not part of my duties. And then i do, and he buys me chocolate. It's a system that's working well.

ANYway, I figured that for the morning I'd better come clean and get all the recriminations out of the way. Like ripping off a bandaid.

"What I have here, gentlemen, is Diet Mountain Dew, and a little fruit punch. I'm trying to hydrate more. And some ice," I added.

The furor that followed surprised even me. I sipped my half gallon of caffeinated goodness calmly, while they freaked out.

Apparently, not fans of diet soda. They told me I'm killing myself slowly with my 64 ounces of poison in a cup. It might as well be antifreeze. I'm messing with neuroreceptors in my brain! Why can't I just drink water? With a little LEMON? Oh, THE HUMANITY! MOUNTAIN DEW IS PEOPLE!! PEEEEOPPLLLLLLLL!!!

 

The lecture and arguing over my choice of breakfast beverages lasted about twenty minutes, and then it was over. I promise to try drinking some plain water, can we get on to talking about patients please?

For the record, I am the lead social worker and therapist for a 12-bed inpatient children's unit (soon to be 16 beds, More on that later.) at a local hospital. I've spent much of the past 3-4 months months while Sweet Baboo has been at various army trainings (More on that later.) reading and studying and attending workshops honing skills in the area of CBT play therapy. I use sandtray for now, mainly.

Behold my collection:

And yes, it is fun collectiong them. I frequently find myself reluctant to let anyone, much less a child, play with a new miniature I've bought. But then. I get over myself.

Last Sunday, I did an Olympic tri, the first triathlon I've done in several years. Ugh. It was fun. Sorta. But kinda hard. I have serious reservations about the upcoming. Ironman Boulder. More on that later.

 

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Just imagine there are pictures: thursday 13

Dear Diary,

The wind is blowing like crazy outside and I am curled up under a quilt with Sweet Baboo, three cats, and Tom Waits keeping me warm. Getting up to put the promised pictures of the exercise room profiles of runs, and such, would involve leaving this all behind. Sooooo...placeholders for now.

don't you know there's no devil; it's God when he's drunk?

13.  Friday, two mothers and their respective children showed up at 3 pm, each claiming a 3:00 appointment.  Unfortunately, they were both correct: someone had double booked me.  I saw one at 3, and the other graciously agreed to wait until 4. 

Lunch had been Lean Gourmet Swedish Meatballs, and the package of Trader Joes Peanut Butter Goodies cookies that my Secret santa left in my inbox.  Urp.  I started eating Lean Gourmet because it's all I really have time for, and at the BX, it's about 80 cents.  NO, i do not want to know how high in sodium it is, or that there is a list of ingredients with chemical names longer than Moby Dick.

 It's food. It's cheap, it's portion-controlled, and it's pallatable.

12.  Saturday, I ran about 4 miles on the trail.  My legs felt heavy, which was attributed to the lunges and squats I had done during the previous week. Then, i went to a holiday party with the people who work with Baboo.

Each year I make the same potlock meal: curried yams, and brown rice. It's vegetarian, it's yummy, and it's wildly popular. I take home an empty dish.   But here's the thing: only Sweet Baboo's coworkers, psychologists, eat it.  My fellow counselors or social workers don't touch it. Ever. What's up with that?

11.  Sunday, I did 14 miles of a planned 50K FatAss that will be held on New Year's Day.  Here is the profile:

*placeholder for missing run profile here*

10.  Monday, Lunch was Lean Gourmet flatbread.  It wasn't bad.  It was the size of my hand.  I recognize that this is a normal portion.  Also on monday, I found out that the kid whol told me Friday I'm not fucking going upstairs with you for an assessment was hospitalized over the weekend. I told her so.

9. Also on Monday, it snowed. Again. We have had an unprecedented amount of snow so far this winter. Right now, as I'm typing this, the wind is howling and more snow is coming down, and they have closed I40. 

Now, New Mexico I thought we had a deal: you give me moderate, sunny winters, and I look the other way regarding the whole dust thing.  What happened?

*placeholder for snow pictures here*

8. Tuesday, I went to a local hospital's psych ward to see a kid that had tried to escape. He went over the wall around the facility the day before carrying, of all things, his lunch box.  

Also on Tuesday, I couldn't find my car keys. Anywhere.  I finally went outside to see if I left them in the car, and behold: they were there. 

In the ignition.

With the car running.

Yes, that's right. I parked my car at noon, got out, leaving my car running in the parking lot for four hours.  In th parking lot of a mental hospital. Have you ever done anything so stupid? I say you have not.  

Tuesday's lunch was Santa Fe Beans and Rice (Lean Cuisine).

7.  By the way: Lollicup.com Sugar-free flavoring syrups for coffee.  I'm just sayin'. It's the secret to me being a morning person.

6. Wednesday, the lunch of the day was shrimp scampi from Lean Gourmet. That night, we ate with folks from my the office at a local steakhouse, and the starters menu had calorie counts after each choice. It. Was. Horrifying. Few starters were under 1000 calories. I wound up having a 6 ounce fillet with sweet potato fries, and steamed brocolli.  I was very proud of myself. 

5, Most of the people I work with are in their mid-twenties. It was an interesting evening.  I found out things that I never knew about my coworkers.  Like, nearly all of them are half my age. 

4. Also wednesday, i had to caution an adult who wouldn't shut up and let me ask about their kid. It was all, me, me, me.  I get that people with disordered kids are grateful to find anyone who will listen to them but I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD. I DO NEED TO HEAR ABOUT THE VOICES IN JUNIOR's HEAD. 

3. Also on Wednesday, I made the following law, called GeekGirl's law no. 5150: 

if you name your kid Chaos, don't complain to me about his behavior.  

Ever.

Also, Greek Goddesses. I'm just sayin'. Greek mythology is a soap opera, so you're asking for trouble by naming your kid after one of the principle players.

Unless you're Greek, and then it's okay.

2. Also on wednesday, i discovered that 1) all seasons of 'Bones' are on Netlix, and 2) apple tv has closed captioning.  Thus, my new winter running is in place, in my new exercise room.  Bliss!!!

Pictures:

*placeholder for missing exercise room pictures here*

1. Okay. Here it is, my 50-mile running plan.  I hope this formats right. I used to code in HTML and am perfectly capable of creating a table, but why do that when I can copy and paste from Numbers?  

Recall: I. Am Lazy.

Week of:      Week. M.    T.     W.    Th.   F.    S.    Su.   Total

Dec 5, 2011 1 0 2 2 2 0 8 6 20

Dec 12, 2011 2 0 2 2 4 0 10 6 24

Dec 19, 2011 3 0 2 2 4 0 12 8 28

Dec 26, 2011 4 0 2 4 6 0 14 8 34

Jan 6, 2012 5 0 4 4 6 0 16 10 40

Jan 13, 2012 6 0 4 6 6 0 18 10 44

Jan 20, 2012 7 0 4 6 8 0 20 10 48

Jan 27, 2012 8 4 8 6 0 0 10 8 36

Feb 6, 2012 9 4 8 8 0 0 22 10 52

Feb 13, 2012 10 0 4 10 8 0 22 10 54

Feb 20, 2012 11 0 4 10 8 0 24 10 56

Feb 27, 2012 12 0 4 10 6 0 10 8 38

Mar 5, 2012 13 0 4 12 8 0 0 31 55

Mar 12, 2012 14 0 4 12 8 0 24 10 58

Mar 19, 2012 15 0 4 12 8 0 26 10 60

Mar 26, 2012 16 0 4 10 8 0 16 10 48

Mar 5, 2012 17 0 4 6 6 0 10 6 32

Mar 12, 2012 18 4 3 2 0 0 50 59

Each week I will post that week's running plan and the actual mileage, making me direrctly accountable to the half dozen people who still read this blog :-/

Last week, i was 2 miles short on my training plan.  This week, i was 2.3 miles short. 

The week day runs are all treadmill. The weekend runs are all on the hilly trails behind our house.

Ta-daaaaa!

...

Self-pity days are what your union fought for.

Dear Diary,


13.  So I guess I'm doing a triathlon on Saturday.  I was actually feeling pretty good about not having a ride to the Chile Harvest triathlon this weekend.  Outwardly I was all, well darn it, I guess I'll have to miss it. And inwardly, looking forward to A Day of Sloth, as well as not humiliating myself in front of hundreds, given that
A) I haven't been in a pool during 2011, and
B) I have been on a bike once, and I've ridden 10 miles total, on a flat bike path, during 2011.

Police were posted at all trailheads, including this one near
my house.  

The Chile Harvest triathlon, you may recall, is the scene where, two years running now, I have done the bike portion WITH MY BRAKES ON and then struggled on the run which, I might add, occurs in temperatures upwards of 90 degrees.  It's the state team championship.  All the New Mexico Outlaws, the multi-sport team of which I am a member, go in full Outlaws regalia.

So, but, then I made the mistake of posting publicly on the New Mexico Outlaws message board that I wasn't going to be attending because my ride (Captain Baboo) has guard duty that weekend.  No sooner had I done that then the club president, herself  Dreadpirate Rackham, emailed me at work and said basically, oh no you don't missy and added some other stuff I can't quite remember.  "Your complacent ass" was in there; I remember that.

In the very center of the picture at top is some tall TV
antennas.  Can't see them?  That's how high
it is.  And THAT'S where the finish line is.  

12. Then, the next day, at 6 am. I'll be doing a foot race that goes from around 6200 feet up to 10,400 feet over 9 miles..."race" being a very loosely used term here, but after all, you get that "finisher" shirt at the finish whether you're first or last.  They do not allow earphones, given that it's a fairly narrow trail up the mountain, so I guess I'll sing to myself to keep me company.  That'll also keep the bears away.  Trust me you haven't heard me sing.  Win-win.  

Blonde.  With an E.

What makes this race even more interesting (other than the ass-busting altitude climb and the fact that I get all drama queen with gray-blue fingernails and gasping at high altitude) is that I didn't have much of a chance to do a lot of practicing on La Luz this year, owing to the fact that for a sizable chunk of my training period the trails were all closed (see picture, above) and THANK GOODNESS they opened them up just in time for me to humiliate myself TWICE in one weekend.

11.  Wednesday, I
took a SELF-PITY day (it's in your human resources manual.  Go check) and went and spent Groupons.

9. I also decided to be a blonde again. That's BLONDE.  With an e. Because I'm worth it.  And yes, I used a Groupon.

8. I will be meeting the head of behavioral health for a local hospital soon to discuss my new internship placement.  A bit more about it: It is in a local hospital.  Both of our largest hospitals here have acute psychiatric wards, which is where you go if it is determined that you, due to a mental disorder, are an immediate danger to yourself or others.
Note: Acute psychiatric wards are not for you to threaten your teenager with or to take your kid to because she throws temper tantrums.  They will be sent home, and you will have lost ground in the war against bad behavior.

As you well know, I lurves me some crazy people.  We'll see if that holds up after 9 months spending two days a week in an acute psychiatric ward.

7.  Wednesday's Pity Party slothful day of indulgence, courtesy of Groupon, was fab.  Got my nails done, got my toenails done (I pretended to be asleep to avoid the inevitable questions about missing or half-grown-in toenails).  I got a massage.  Then I ate cake.  YES, CAKE. I'VE HAD A TOUGH COUPLE OF WEEKS.

One of the pairs I bought.  

6.  I also bought some shoes on Ebay, so, I'm all healed now.  And yes, I am that easy. If you're a man, you don't want someone more complicated than that.  If you're a woman, you don't want to be more complicated than that.  I like to stick to the same thing, over and over and over.  For work shoes, I like Aerosoles, Clarks, and Indigo by Clarks.  For fun shoes, I like Naughty Monkey.

And no, they aren't wedges.  I think wedges are ugly.  I don't care who that offends.  They're frankenshoes.  So there.

5.  Text message from Daughter:
I had to block [roommate] from facebook.  
She has decided to hate me this week.

Hmm.  What to reply?
What'd you do - eat all her food?
Have you run her her long distance bill yet?
Is she sick of cleaning up after you yet?


In the end, I went with   Oh, my, girl drama.  Hope it all works out.

Taken in our back yard about two weeks ago.

4. It is officially "Monsoon Season" in New Mexico.  I talk about this every year, but here it is again: Monsoon season is a time during the year when, in the afternoons, the sky fills with dark, threatening clouds.  The wind blows, sometimes lightening starts fires up on the mountain, and there is a hell of a lot of noise that scares the shit out of my dog.
Sometimes it rains.

3. In the past two days, I've slept about 18 hours.  That's so not like me.  I feel like I could sleep more.  I suspect a creeping depressive reaction to the VA debacle.  Maybe not.

2. I'm really pissed that one of my Italian cypress trees out front apparently took a serious hit this past winter and has dead spots on it.  I always wanted some of these, and now I have them, and now it has dead spots.  I know that's a very minor thing to complain about, but it annoys the hell out of me.

1. Sweet Baboo feeds birds.  We spend a third-world family's annual salary on bird seed.  We have about a 1/3 of an acre, so there's lot of birds.  We also have a large pond.  Most of them are natives - mourning doves, finches, quail, and so on.  Anyway.  Some of them are pigeons.  At any given time, there is a large number of birds at the north end of our back yard, pecking away at the ground, looking for some of that seed.
The end result is this: in addition to all the other things that are cool about the Dream House, whenever I walk into the back yard - either from the driveway coming home or from the house, leaving - a large flock of birds rises in a mass ascension in a cloud of wings, and the end result is that every day I feel like I'm in my very own romantic movie set in Italy - you the know the scene where they run through the square, hand-in-hand, disrupting a flock of birds.  EIther that or Mary Tyler Moore.  Either way, it's kinda cool.

...

Sweat it out, or laugh it off.

Dear Diary,
I spent most of last week warding off the inevitable blues that strike when bad things happen. I did this partly by focusing on good stuff.

13. For instance, Princess was dropped off by her mom (me) at her new dwelling. I drove her and her things and tried not to leave skid marks as I backed out of the driveway.
Happy points: +2.

12. Himself the Baboo and I threw open the doors and acted like grownups. Grownups without nosy houseguests. We went to Costco and re-stocked up on all the things that Pricess had helped herself to.
Happy points:+3

11. Coincidentally, at the same time that herself left, the oppressive heat lifted. It rained nearly every day. Access to the trails was open again. Like a curse had been lifted. Yes, I am melodramatic, why do you ask? Happy points, +3

10. So Sunday, I hiked up La Luz, and did it faster that last year, but it still took me much longer than I thought it would. I estimate it will take as much as 3.5 hours. It's 10 miles, and it rises from 6200 feet above sea level to 10800 I sweated like crazy and smelled pretty bad when I was done...I think it makes me feel better to do that, because I'm like, HA! Take that, stupid VA....I can climb a mountain. AND, I found out that the La Luz cutoff is 5 hours. Happy points +2

9. This weekend, Ima start a groupon week.
Saturday, hair, lunch.
Wednesday, body, feet, nails, lunch
Just what I need. Take that, VA!!
Happy points: tbd

8. Each week at work seems to have a theme. This week's theme was BAD PARENTS.  One parent told me that the length of time it might take to treat her kid "just wouldn't work for her."  Another no-showed, then tried to come 40 minutes late to the second appointment, then demanded someone see her when she was told she'd missed her appointment (denied) Another mother complained to me that her teenage son, who has low BMI, "eats too much".
I know it can be shocking, the amount of food they eat, i said soothingly.  Then she complained about other developmentally normal behaviors of teenage boys...I'll leave you to imagine what those might be.
 
Whatever.
Anway: Distraction points, 10

7. I have been reading every article on tips and tricks and hints about the iPad so that I will be a power iPad user user..ser...ser. It does one really good thing for me; it forces me not to multitask. That is something badly needed.
Happy points: +1

6. I have noticed that the nicest, most expensive hotels charge for wi-fi, up to $15 per day in some places. Really Albuquerque Hilton? Are you really going to milk that cow for all its worth? I'll pick Best Western or Holiday Inn, thanks. And you can keep trying to figure out why business is falling off. Happy points, -2

5.  I discovered #6 when I went to a psychopharmacology seminar on Thursday - oh, hell, that's today.  They had no tables for us to sit at.  I had to claim the empty chair next to me for all my snacks, drinks, and other stuff.  And then I had to pay AND DON'T TELL ME NOBODY FORCED YOU TO PAY FOR WIFI, MISTY since I was not a guest of the hotel, I was not going to ask about a microwave, so I ate my food cold. Happy points, -2
But, the speaker was good, and interesting, and funny, and I enjoy the topic. If I wasn't 46, I would so totally go to medical school and study psychiatry. Happy points, +2

But, the the hotel was full of teenagers, and I sat outside during lunch and smellled the smoke and watched them work their way toward emphysema. Happy points, -3

4. Wednesday night I ran with Baboo. With Baboo (mistake #1) and on a full stomach, too (mistake #2). still, I got in another 3 miles before it got dark. Happy points, +2

3. Interesting articles here and here. Comments welcome. Happy points: +0

2. I used to mock pre-cooked, packaged bacon.  Of course, my eating is way out of control again.  But about the pre-cooked bacon: Now I totally get it. Happy points: +3

1. In the end, though, I don't know where my future is, professionally.  I used to have this very clear picture in front of me, this vision of my future.  Now there's just a blank.
I'm so pissed at the people who took away my vision.
I'm so angry that I have to start all over, making a new picture, with that uncertain, unknown future.

Well, what the hell.  I guess I've done that before.

Happy points earned this week: 10. I think. That's 10 more than I started with.

...

Angry tears and happy tears: Thursday 13.

Dear Diary,
It's been a bit of an up and down week.  

13. Princess found herself a part-time job and was not interested in getting another job, and why should she? She had a very nice guest room, fully furnished, and cable, wi-fi, food, etc. With her part-time income, she was inelligiible for most apartments.

  I was in despair.

12. I finally became proactive, because the best way to get out of feeling depressed and helpless is to do something. I found her a room. She is paying half the rent in a very small house with generous access to buses. She will have to buy herself towels, linens, plasticware, food, cable, wi-fi...
Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out, Princess! Oh, and if things don't work out, here's a brochure for Joy Junction. 

11. Sunday, I slept a full night. I was four pounds down. I ran 13 miles when i got up in the morning. I ran this elevation profile, on trails and roads, and I did it in 2:48, faster than my first half marathon. My first half back in 2006, was almost completely flat and/or downhill.

10. Sunday night, I did a local 10K. It was 94 degrees out. I did a 10K a few weeks ago, on the same course, in the same temperature, at the same time of day, after running 10 miles, running the entire time, in 1:15. This time, I decided to "Galloway" it, and I did this one was 1:09:42, using the Galloway method. My pace was about 11:10. I also wrapped a bandana full of ice around my neck. For road races 10K or longer, I'm becoming a devote of the Galloway method.

9. This week I began another new adventure; New employee orienation at the VA hospital, where I was selected to be in a highly competive internship back in May. I took an oath of office, had a TB test, was fingerprinted electronically.  I was jazzed.

8. Tuesday morning, I ran the first of what will be weekly hill repeats. This is a .95 mile hill that changes abouut 400 feet in vertical altitude over its course. Jog/hike/stagger up, jog down. Twice. Then add a litttle at the end.

7. So.     Then.

On day two of my four-day training at the VA, I was called in and told that not one single instructor, including those I hadn't met yet, wanted to work with me.
 It didn't make any sense. I felt blindsided, and I left in tears. Before my internship began, it was over.
Then unbelievably, before I left, I was told you should apply for any open position here because those people who don't want to work with you don't do the hiring.
What. The. Fuck?

6. Interestingly, I did not go home. I went to work at the children's hospital, where I feel competent and happy.  They were happy to see me, since they weren't expecting me until Friday and unexpected problems had come up.  I ate my lunch. I did some work. I felt better. But I cried when I told them what happened.  They were as confused as I was.

5. I talked to professors, mentors, advisor, friends, colleagues, fellow students, and supervisors about what happened at the VA, and they all said the same thing: Smells like political bullshit to me.  

4. Wednesday morning I woke up with swollen eyes and went for a run, and decided that I absolutely, positively, was going to quit social work school. Social workers were petty, bitchy, heiarchical, and back-stabbing. I absolutely didn't want to be one.  Fuck them.  FUCK SOCIAL WORK SCHOOL.

3. Later that morning, I went to a local hospital's acute ward to visit some kids. As I was leaving one of the social workers asked how my internship was going. I only cried a little when I told her what happened. Her mouth fell open, and without missing a beat, she offered me an internship. Just like that.

2. I am now finally free to say that I am happiest working with children and families. I kept finding myself headed in that direction, time and again. I believe this is where I belong. It is where I feel that I'm good at what I do.

This VA is not where I belong. I am not cut out for it. I don't like conflict. I don't like asserting myself. I don't want to be a leader. I don't want to join the fray. I don't want to feel like I suck. I like to fly under the radar, doing my job. most of all, I do not like political bullshit.

1. So it's been an emotional week. But there is running, and fried chicken, and Jose Cuervo Lite Margaritas.

 And today, at work, I made a parent so happy that she cried.

....

Mostly one-liners.

Dear Diary,

Yes, she is that spoiled.
No, I don't know why.

15. I spent most of my free computer time this week working - see #3 for explanation.

14. I think it's safe to say I don't much like being a parent these days.

13. But I do like being a runner. I am right back on track with my running again. After several months of not being terribly discipliined, I am finally back into the habit of making up missed miles and making sure thatt I get all my miles in.  Which brings me to today, when I ditched my run.  I now have 12 miles to make up, somehow.  :-/

12. #13 is important, because I put on five pounds last month.

11. WeightWatchers just updated their app for ipad. It rocks. They also have a kick-ass kitchen-helper app.

10. The running is keeping me from wrapping my hands around a certain surly twenty-something's neck and squeezing.

9. There are ants in my house that are particularly bad this year. It requires that I keep pet food put up. :-( and not leave anything sitting out too long.

8. This has been a tough week at work. Hug your kids.

7. I am also back on track with my eating. It was getting a llittle out of control. I was temped by stress to fall back into my old ways, in which I would buy a whole rotissere chicken and sit out on my car and eat it. (ugly, but true).

There is a dress code, you know.

6. Thursday evening, I drank cheap beer and and made "Chicken Helper". Now in my defense, it was whole grain chicken helper, to which I added lots of vegetables. The cheap beer I have no excuse for. It's interesting, though, that Bud Light is the only beer I can drink, being as I hate most beers and think they are a cold bitter mess. I've been told that Bud Light has no taste, which would explain why I can drink it. So there you have it: I have dental problems, eat chicken helper, and drink cheap beer. I am one step away from hanging up laundry wearing my bra and shorts and curlers.

5.  Stress has also made me not sleep well.  Today, instead of running, I slept in.  Later I will take Herself the Daughter to look at rent houses.

4. I have prepared a "move-out" box for Herself the Daughter that has TP (the cheap kind), laundry soap, and cup-a-noodle (Might as well get used to it now.  Life is WAYYY different outside mom's house, princess)

3. This next week I will be attending four full days of "New Employee Orientation" at the VA for my internship.

Ah, dinner by candlelight. 

2. I am beginning to feel, finally, like a mental health professional. So that's a new identity for me. I was a mother, then a teacher, and then a runner, and then I didn't know what I was for a while.

1. Work related: Here's a little tip from me.  If, in the process of knifing your boyfriend/dealer to death, you assign your mother POA for your kids, make sure she's not homeless.  (The lives some people lead.  Jeesh.)

...

Thursday thirteen, the timely edition

Dear Diary,

13. Okay, it's ridiculous, but Friday evening I actually sat out in the cool, still dusk, next to the pond himself built for us (trickling water, etc) and started typing this week's entry on my iPad.

Later that week, Sweet Baboo and I figured out how to play scrabble by networking our iPads.Turns out, Scrabble is way more fun when you aren't picking the tiles up after they fall off the holder.

12. I had a serious attack of lazies at work last week. I think it started when I read about the toddler being thrown out the upper floor window by her mother during a police raid and suffering irreparable brain damage. There's not a lot of things that freak me out these days, but oh yes, that one did it.
Later that week, I interviewed a 11-year-old boy who wants to die.
Yep, time for a day off.

You would not believe how long it took to get this shot.

11. My dog is just, well, incredibly spastic at times. That helps too, especially since she's spastic over me. I love her big old face. Mind you, I do not like dogs. But I like this one.

 10. I went for a nice short trail run Thursday, mostly an hike. My back is still a little tweaked. My legs still have bricks tied to them. I did a shorter run Saturday, and then Tuesday, Baboo and I did a short (4.3 mile) run together.

 9. I did the "women in training" saturday. Daughter has completely checked out and stopped working out. Then wanted to know if I would take her to buy her sports clothing, and I said that this is for, you know, for people who do sports. Sitting around on the internet at the library all day is not a sport.

8. Sunday, I continued collecting groupons for things to do while himself is gone during the month of July. I think it's safe to say, I will be occupied. Bored and lonely a bit, but occupied. Then Sweet Baboo informed me that he won't be going in July after all. Yay! And I get to keep all the groupons. they're all for girlie things, like facials, pedicures, and yoga. But the best thing is that himself and I will get to start our salsa dancing lessons.

7. Today, I go in to nail down the exact rotations that I'll be doing for my internship at the VA. More on this later.

6. Blogger now has a way to email your entries into blogger. I'm playing with it. Ostensibly, you can do it with images as well.

You can just feel the health.

5. I ate a bag of fritos. A big bag. With some cheap, mayonnaise-based spinach dip that I'm sure somebody, somewhere, thinks is healthy because of the spinach (not me, I have no illusions). I think it's time I got back in touch with my weight watcher side. I also ate four pieces of provolone cheese the other day. I melted it in a pan, browned it a little, and then peeled it back up. When you do that it gets crispy and tastes a bit like bacon. Then you make a sandwich with mayonnaise. Would you like more tips on how to be the world's fattest vegetarian? I have a hundred of them.

4. After weeks of fiddling with crappy iPad blog editors, i experimented with Dragon, which I'm going to use to transcribe notes. Its a bit unweildy for casual writing just now. 
Then I was told about Blogsy by Melissa. I'm still learning it. I'm very stubborn about reading directions when it comes to computer stuff. Stubborn and grandiose. All other things, I'll read the instructions. Not so with computer stuff. Then when I can't intuit it, I'm annoyed.

3. It turns out that when you are waiting out the window during which the repair people are supposed to arrive, you have plenty of time to work on your blog.

Beautiful xericscape.

2. We haven't had a working cooler so far this season. As we head into June, and start inhaling the smoke drifting over from Arizona (thanks for that, by the way,) I decided to have someone come out. I hate this cooler. It requires far more maintenance than an air conditioner, and it guzzles water, which we do not need to waste in the desert. I can't wait to get rid of it.

I also can't wait to get rid of all this grass. It's ridiculous. Who grows grass in the desert? I'm taking suggestions on how to dispose of it quickly so that I can replace it with xerics this year. I must do this THIS YEAR. I do not want to spend another summer fucking with sprinkler systems and oh yes, she swore.. because when it comes to sprinkler systems, I can definitely be very unladylike.
The problem is that the grass is 30 years old and has a thick, deep thatch. I shudder to think that I will have to dig it all out.
Maybe there's a Groupon for that.

1. This Saturday I am doing a sprint triathlon down in Ft. Sumner, New Mexico. Oh, my, well there are just so many reasons that this will go badly that I can't even count, but here are a few:

• I haven't been on a bike more than three times in the past year.
• My wetsuit is new and has never been worn.
• I have swum, let's see, once in the past year.
• It's going to be hot, hot, hot.
• I'm somewhat disinclined to ride a bike, anyway.

Oh, well. I'll do little race report after I'm done.
...

Thurs--er, Frid--er, I mean Saturday. Something. Okay: Saturday Something.

Dear Diary,

14.  BUSY.  I just simply ran out of day yesterday and again Friday, and didn't get this posted.  It's MYCHILDISDRIVINGME FUCKINGNUTSSOCANYOULOCKHIMUPPLEASE?  week at the children's place where I work, so everyone is showing up for their appointments meaning, of course, that I have to actually work.Maybe this will become permanent: Saturday Something.  Not to be confused with Saturday Somethin'Somethin', which is completely different, and not suitable for all audiences. 

13. GROWNUP: FAIL. I am here to tell you that my original thesis (Grown Children Should Not Live With Their Parents) holds true. In case you'd been wondering if you should do this some day, now you know. Yes, I threw myself on that sword for you. You're welcome.
For instance: several pieces of my beloved Fiesta Ware went missing.  missing.  How is this possible?  What on earth could have happened? We bought exactly four of everything for dishes when we bought this house, because it is designed for people to visit for short amounts of time.  On purpose.  So yes, I noticed when the pieces turned up missing.
UPDATE: The pieces were found, used, in a dresser drawer in the guest room.  WTF is that?

We'll go ahead and pretend these
sculpted arms and abs are mine.



12.  Keeping the girls at bay.  I am once again in the market for a bra, having lost enough back fat (you're welcome for that visual) to need a smaller band size.  No, I will not translate mysterious bra language for the males out there - ask your wives or sisters. Anyway, all the bras I have are too big in the band, so they slide around and chaffe the hell out of me.

I do have one fantastic bra made by Hanes and I've never been able to find another, of course.  OF COURSE.  

This month, I'm testing out this bra: The Moving Confort Juno bra.  I like that it has a T-back, so that I can terrify (riiiiiiiight) with my Mdot tat, and it comes in pretty colors.  If it works out, I'll get more pretty colors.  I also like that it could actually be worn as a top owing to the lack of plunging in the front.  I'll keep ya posted.

11. Two wheeled misery.  I am going to do - gasp - not one, but TWO sprint triathlons this summer.  Yes, that's right.  I am going to get on a BIKE.  One of them is in Fort Sumner, and the other one is in Socorro.  Since I rarely swim or bike any more, it should be interesting.  I actually got on a bike YESTERDAY and rode it a whole 9 miles.  Just to see how it felt.  Yep, I still hate it.  But I'm willing to do it to do a sprint triathlon, because those are fun. 

10.  iPad adjustment.  I still have no way to do blog posts without coding in HTML from my iPad.  It's not that I can't code in HTML, it's just that I'm lazy.  I was coding in HTML back in 1995.  So, I've gotten into the habit of jotting things down in the Notepad throughout the week on iPad, and then posting that at the end of the week.  However, if I want pictures, I have to go to a computer.

9.  Crappy weather.  It can't decide if it's super muggy here or dusty and windy, or both.  Bleh. Mornings are fantastic, cold and crisp, and then from out of nowhere, the afternoons are moist and hazy. 

8.  Himself.  Sweet Baboo is going to be gone during July.  Army stuff.  :-(   Starting in July, I'll be training for the Duke City Marathon in October.  I've never done it before.

7. I'm still lazy.  I was trying to explain to a coworker about the concept of I. Am Lazy.  but she didn't get it.  "you run marathons," she said.

It means you are more efficient with your time and how you spend your energy.

You have to understand, it's all relative.  Most of my friends are like Jack Russel Terriers - leaping all over and twitching their fast twitch muscles and  
HEY!  LET'S DO A 70 MILE BIKE RIDE ON SUNDAY!

HEY!  LET'S DO A DOUBLE-CROSSING OF THE SANDIAS ON SATURDAY!  

HEY!  WANNA COVER 100 MILES OF THE ROCKIES ON FOOT, INCLUDING 13K PEAKS, IN FOUR DAYS?!?!?
NO?  OH, C'MON!  it'll be FUN!

 and I"m all mmmmmNah.  There's a "Bones" marathon on TV.  and that roasted red-pepper hummus isn't going to eat itself, you know.  

and there's always this one (my favorite) BUT...BUT...IT WILL BE AT AN EASY PACE!

Yeah, right.  I'm not falling for that again.  Every single time something, anything, was an easy pace, well, let's just not go there.  Let's just say that "easy pace" is, like laziness, all relative.

You have to understand, many of my friends win races.  Win them.  Not like me, who wins because all the people in my age group stayed home that day, or the real serious runners didn't show up, but because they are faster than shit. So, there you go.

I hasten to say: I love them.  I love all my friends; they are awesome.  And, I know they love me.  Even though, I.  Am Lazy.

The upside to having super fast friends, of course, is that nobody ever feels intimidated by me.

Seriously.

Nooooobody.

6.  Breathe in, breathe out.  Something strange has happened this spring: Suddenly one day my asthma got better.  I say one day because I ran out of Advaire and remember, I. Am Lazy. So I kept putting it off day after day, getting the refill, and, well, nothing happened.  If anything, I breathed a bit better.
I'm not saying it's gone, but suddenly much better than it used to be, even given the time of year.  Yes, my chest was a bit tight when the thick smoke from ARIZONA blew over here yesterday (thanks for that, by the way, Arizona) but I wasn't up all night wheezing.

I'm not sure what to think of this, except that I quit smoking in 1995 after being told that a small amount (I think it was 10%) of my airway was blocked by scar tissue and I'd have emphasema if I didn't quit.  I've heard that it takes several years for your lungs to recover from smoking; I smoked for about 15 years, I quite 15 years ago, who knows.  All I know is that it's much better than it used to be. I tried googling for this, and couldn't find anything about it anywhere. 

5.  de-Hoarding.  I have to post this, it was sent to me by a blog reader that I think it's fantastic: Zen Mind: How to Declutter

4.  MYSTERY.  Facebook told me they had to remove something because it violated their terms and I didn't have any right to post it but I don't know what the hell they're talking about because everything seems to be in place.  whatEVER.

3.  Sweet Baboo never actually swooned over the new iPad as I did when I first saw one, but he sat closer and closer to me, asking questions, until inevitably he went and got one newer, with a faster processor, more storage, and a camera.

So now we are a two-pad household.  And I have iPad2 envy.

If I haven't mentioned this before, well, I'm the unofficial tecchie in the household.  I set up the wireless router and such.  I fix computer crashes and problems.  Even more importantly, I know when I'm out of my element so I can cook dinner for the youngling who comes over and wrote code into the router to make it do what I want.  
So, now, Sweet Baboo has an iPad, and I'm once again in the position of responding to frustration while he learns it.  It won't take long.  It's just that he hates technology and doesn't play with it to see what he can make it do, like I do.
Did I also explain that I break into hives when I hear exclamations that indicate there are problems with the computer?  Yep.  But it's all good.  He puts up with my messiness, disorganization, emotional lability, and general scattered-ness, and I fix computers, thermostats, electrical things, and automatic sprinklers.  It's all gooooood.

2. NO BITTERNESS HERE.  Lest I come off as bitter or angry (regarding #13) it behooves me to make the following, very serious point, which I believe is congruent with most of how I live my life: I would have rather taken my daughter in and found out that it didn't work and wasn't a good idea, then to have not taken her in and always wondered if I should.  I live my life that way.  A very wise man taught me that you have open your heart to live and be happy, but you have to be willing to risk the bad things that might happen and be willing to accept them, too.
(It's altogether possibly that the very wise man was telling me this to get me to go out with him.  It doesn't matter.)

The POINT here is that, there are few things that can't be undone.  So, why not do them.

1.  HOT FLASHES.  This is stuff men will not, or should not, be interested in, unless they have a loved one with this problem.
When I was told two years ago by the pharmacists "no soy, not ever" with respect to my damaged thyroid, I stopped drinking my daily soy latte.  I didn't know it then, but that daily soy latte was what staved off the worst of menopause symptoms.  These come early in my family.
So. I started having hot flashes of the worst kind - I'd wake up sopping in the middle of the night, shoveling all the covers onto Sweet Baboo, who would protest mildly in his way. Then, four minutes later, I would be freezing and grab them all back again, and then some.  (Yes, I know he's a saint.)

Sometimes in the middle of the day, during a meeting, I would suddenly feel like I was bursting into flame.  I would feel little cold pinpricks of sweat on my legs and I would calmly excuse myself, to to the ladyies room, and then press myself up again the cool, tile wall....ahhhh.

Most of the estrogenetic over-the-counter stuff has soy in it.
Then, I found Estro-Care.  It's not cheap, but it's available at drugstores and online, and it has a pump, so I like to think it somewhat standardizes how much I get.  I use it about every other day.  (If you have periods, you have to use it 3 weeks on every day and then 1 week off, but I don't have those, thanks to our local minimally-invasive women's surgeon) so I just use it about every other day or so.  Voila: no more hot flashes.

But I do have oily skin.  So I'm weighing the pros and cons of having my makeup slide off every day vs. not having hot flashes.

And that's all I'm going to say about that.  I hope that it's useful for someone out there.

...

Trivial things to think about: I has them.

13.  I got the Tetris app for my iPad. I've discovered I suck as badly as it as I always have.  But I enjoy it just the same.  I'm hoping someone will come out with the Dr. Mario app.  Blissss!

UPDATE: I just was notified that there is an app for that: Flu Fighter. I'm going to look into this later and see if I want to pay for it. 

I LOVED Dr. Mario.  In fact, multi-tasking queen that I am, I used to breastfeed while playing Dr. Mario on the Nintendo.  No lie. 

12.  On my summer reading list, if I can stop playing Tetris and sudoku long enough to read:

• Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha
• Wherever You Go, There You Are 
• Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion
• Learning Cognitive-Behavior Therapy: An Illustrated Guide
• The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams (I've actually already started this recently.  Pirate is going to shit when she finds out I've never read this)

 11.  This summer, I will finish the fantasy exercise room I started last fall.  This will involve the following:

• Taking all my clothes that need to be altered to the tailor so they aren't piled up in this room.  There are a bunch of these, and I'll have to pick away at them over the next couple months.
• Taking clothes "on probation," that I haven't worn, to Goodwill. Or maybe selling them on ebay.
• Listing the computer hutch on Ebay to be sold.
• Moving the dreadmill from the garage (have you done this? I may have to hire someone; these things are heavy.)
• Mounting some sort of medium-screened TV/computer monitor on the wall in front of the dreadmill, for playing movies and exercise videos. 

10.  I am currently tapering for Big Horn, in June, my last "A" race of the year. Here is the profile for Bighorn:

I have five hours to make it to the Footbridge aid station at mile 18.  After that I think most of the cutoffs are workable for me. 

9.  Runs I want to do for the rest of the year, after Bighorn will be mostly 10Ks and half marathons.  Here is what I'm thinking:

• Some 10K up in Colorado in about 3 weeks, whose name I can't remember.
• Several 10ks (local) in June, July, and a couple this fall
• A few local half marathons in August, September, and a local marathon in October.
• A couple of sprint triathlons, one in August and one in December.
• 8/7 - La Luz Trail Run (9 miles)
• October: Sandia Crossing (25 miles - this is a mountain in back of my house; you start at one end , climb up about 4000-5000 feet or so, and cross it along the ridge.

8.  I attended the first internship meeting at the VA where I noted with satisfaction that I was probably the oldest intern in attendence (six were selected) but I'm pretty sure I could outrun everyone there.

I was informed that the three-day orientation to working at the VA, otherwise known as "Life In  a Beurocracy" and "Acronyms 101" (my names, not theirs) would begin in middle to late July, some time.  And, that the internship would start immediate after that.  Once I start my internship, it's four 10-hour days per week at the children's treatment facility where I work, and two 8-hour days at the VA.

7.  I'm really bummed that Garmin doesn't have an app for that.

6.  I have a poster up on my wall that is very timely for the Jemez experience that I had Saturday: CHALLENGES

5. Did I mention I'm done with my coursework? I really don't know what to do with myself these days.  I'm still kind of hypervigilant about my time, imagining that anything and everything will just suck it away. I wonder how long it takes to get over that.

4. So this was my first recovery hike/run after Jemez:

 3.  I'm back up to 149/150 at this point, but the clothes aren't fitting any differently, so I'm not worried. Of course, eating two Lean Cuisine meals a day probably isn't helping any, but I'm just so darned hungry all the time these days. 

I suppose that one regular healthy meal would be cheaper than two Lean Cuisines a day, too.  Then again, I eat a first lunch around 10:30, and a second lunch around 2:30.  They're around 230 calories each.  I'm thinking that I should just start packing leftovers in two containers and eating them that way.  Hmm.

2. I confess my addiction to Groupon.  Actually, it's not a true addiction. It's just that, for a long time, I've looked at a couple of self-indulgences, namely, spa treatments and cleaning services, and always turned them down as being too expensive.  With Groupon, I get them cheaper, at least 50% off.  Monday, I had a Groupon day:  I took the day off from work, and did the following:

• I had a maid service come and clean two years of dust off my baseboards, woodwork, mirrors, and floors.  
• I had a massage that was so awesome that I fell asleep for a few moments in the middle of it.  It was with a complete stranger, and I made the decision not to talk, which made it even better.  
• I then went to my favorite all-you-can eat binge bar and had a meat fest.
• I went and had my car vacuumed and washed, while I waited, which wasn't long. 
• I then got a large pizza for himself and the Daughter, and a salad for me, for $1.68, which of course meant no cooking.

Then yesterday, I was noticing that my feet are badly in need of a pedicure, and what should cross my email today?   Pedicure AND manicure and herbal wrap....hmm. 

1.  Okay, so this is bragging, but I have to say this: there is a woman I work with, a psychiatrist, I think she's in her late forties or early fifties.  Anyway.  She was asking me about my Jemez run, and I was describing it to her, and she made some sort of comment about how it would be "great to have" all my "energy" and then asked, how old are you anyway?

"Forty-six."

>cricket< >Cricket<

What?  You're forty six?  I though you were a lot younger that that...

OHHHH, Yeah.  Nothin'; feels better than that.  :-)))))

...

 Posted from my COMPUTER because my iPad won't do HTML.