Eventually, if you wade through enough of it, you stop noticing the smell. (Thursday 13, the early edition)
I can feel myself wearing down, and just in time, too. I'm actually doing better than last year, when I was worn down by February. I'm tired, depressed, anxious, and having bad dreams that involve rejection and abandonment. I am, finally, and predictably, getting Too Old For This Shit.
I know it's just the whole grad school thing. I know it, but I can't feel it. I just want to lay on a couch all day and do nothing. I don't want to go anywhere, run, or write a paper, or make a phone call, or clean, or arrange. Just lay. And maybe drink cool, icy things. Which may, or may not, have ETOH in them.
12. Saturday, I was bitterly disappointed to find out that Sweet Baboo got an email saying he'd been selected in the lottery for the La Luz Trail Run, and I had not.
Then. A friend messaged me later to tell me my name is on the list, here: http://ultrasignup.com/entrants_event.aspx?did=12328
9. This past weekend I had my last big weekend. The marathon Saturday was followed on Sunday by...nothing. My legs hurt, especially the upper part of my quads. So, I rounded out a 36-mile week. Yes, it does still freak me out to see that written, even when I write it. I can still remember the first time I freaked out of a "5 mile slow jog". It was supposed to be more, but I'm having trouble with energy.
Because, you know, it's all about focusing on strengths.
7. A woman asked me recently how I lost weight. What could I say? No, it wasn't easy. No, I sometimes will think about chocolate cake. The woman, who is large for her height, said that she just couldn't see depriving herself. Yes, it's true, I do deprive myself at times. But I know the following is true:
- In life there are choices. I made mine.
- There will always be chocolate cake. I choose when and how to have a taste.
- Chances are, the craving will pass. It always does.
5. Last Thursday I woke up at 3 am. No idea why, but I couldn't get back to sleep. I lay there for an hour or so, and then went out in the dark and ran 4 miles. During my run, several cars stopped at stop signs, and even though it was dark, they saw me. Because they, you know, STOPPED. at the STOP SIGN.
But not this guy. No, the guy in the old geep grand cherokee blew the stop sign, and then slowed somewhat for just a second when he saw me. Then he went ahead and turned in front of me. I smacked his car with my open palm. yes, he was so close that I could simply lift my hand and do that. I didn't reach. He blew his horn at me. Baby.
Then, for some reason I cannot fathom, he drove up the street, turned around, and drove up alongside me to give me a lecture. Now, I really wanted to say, you blew the stop sign. Now go blow yourself.
But because of my new year's resolution, *I* am a calm person in charge of her faculties. So I waved as I ran while he rolled alongside me, and I called out repeately, Have a nice day! Have a nice day! Finally he gave up and yelled "dumbass" and drove away. Ooo. Ouch.
That was fun. If all I have to do to piss people off is be nice to them when they are steaming mad, then there you go. Win-win.
WHAT is up with people like that? Seriously. If you go to the trouble of turning your car around to follow someone on foot and tell them how they should behave, how sad is your life?
4. Thursday, I blew off my afternoon run. I hadn't seen my doggie all week in the sunlight. I was tired as hell. I also wanted to make a special meal for my daughter to celebrate the fact that SHE GOT A JOB, YES, THAT'S RIGHT I got the internship. I won't tell you what we ate. It was a bit of hedonism. Okay, I'll tell: it was a couple of bacon-wrapped fillets from the local commissary.
At one point, she looked at them and reported that her father (who I haven't been married to for two decades) told her that these were too small, and that he could eat several of them. Well, of course he could. Most of us could. That's not the point. Yeah, no shit. But I have tried to teach my daughter two important rules in life, and one of them is: Just because you can eat all of it doesn't mean you need to do so. Anyway. We had the tiny fillets, and I talked to her about eating it slowly and enjoying each bite, because when you do that, you don't need more food. We also had steamed vegetables and baked sweet-potato fries.
3. Oh, by the way, the other rule I've tried to teach her is: Just because you can get it on doesn't mean it fits. Words to live by. They should be posted, like, EVERYWHERE.
But. I'm a bleeding heart whose politics are based on evidence, not the "energy" I feel. Not the "gut feeling". Evidence.
1. What I am about to tell you will make you hate me. A while back SweetFace came for dinner and was playing with his new iPad. As he is my son, SweetFace is a serious tecchie gear whore. I tell you, I was smitten. I have absolutely no reason to buy one of these things; I mean, I've finished all my coursework DID YOU READ THAT, HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I'M FINISHED WITH ALL MY COURSEWORK, but I jokingly said to SweetFace, you should give your dear old mother this for mother's day.
"Why should I do that?"
Because they wouldn't give me any drugs and you were nearly 9 pounds.
Then, a couple weeks later, Daughter joked with him about getting me one. He pondered that for a while, and then said, "I think I will."
Well, it turns out that as a teenager back in '02, SweetFace wanted a particular motherboard of mine, so unbeknownst to me he swapped it out with another motherboard that had a lesser processor. It was off a PC that I wasn't using at the time, and I don't remember it, so I must not have been aware of it. (Sign of a true nerd, by the way. He didn't break into my room to steal money or prescription pills, no, he took a motherboard.)
It furthermore turns out that himself the SweetFace has a low threshold of guilt tolerance. As well, he wants a new 2G ipad and only by giving me his 3-month-old 1G iPad can he justify that.
I, of course, am torn.
- Do I be the "good mother" and say, "don't spend all that money on me?" or
- Do I acknowledge that yes, he was a pain in the ass teenager and so I'm totally entitled to cool stuff, being as I raised him alone most of his life? or
- Do I simply allow him to assuage his guilt by accepting a very expensive (and very cool) trinket?
So, in addition to the new Garmin 310XT that Baboo brought me, guess what else I'm getting for mother's day? :) Yeah, I know. You hate me. Go have some kids of your own and instill work ethic and low guilt thresholds. It will take about 20 years, but it's totally worth it.