Thursday, April 22, 2010

More things to bitch about, and reasons to be hopeful. A Thursday 13.

13.  There is a bird sitting outside my window at work.  He's been there for about three weeks now and he's desperate for a mate.  At first, the continuous chirping was charming.  Now I'm turning up the music to block it out.  How much of a bitch am I do complain about chirping birds?  Am I a horrible person?

12.  Oh, and there's this: Current water temps at the reservoire at St. George are a brisk 55 degrees. 

11. The little college where I'm going is really big on end-of-semester potlucks for the last class of the semester before finals.  All three of them.  Do I have time to make a dish?  I do not.  I have volunteered to bring a cheese and fruit plate for each of them.
One of the professors insists that we make whatever we bring "with our own hands".  I work full time and go to school full time and don't have a wife at home to make some of this crap, as this professor does.
 he said, "I'm going to have my wife make rice."
Well, he can suck it.  I'm not even going to cut up the fruit and the cheese.  I will, with my "own two hands" wash the fruit and take the cheese slices out of the package from Costco.

10.  Sunday, I did hill repeats on the boulevard near my house, which involves traveling about 8 miles out north, and then decending into the valley over 5 miles, dropping 1000 feet in elevation. Then I climbed back out, descended, climbed again, and the went home.  As I was coming back up, I felt a little sick, which tells me that I'm not trained enough yet.  My stomach isn't ready for the intensity.

9. Wednesday as I lay in bed talking with Baboo I have come to a decision: St. George.  is likely to be a - excuse my language - a cluster fuck.  My longest ride since 2009 is about 52 miles.  My longest run since March is about 12 miles.  My longest swim since September 2009 is 1800 meters, with paddles.  I am not willing to risk kidney failure to try to drag my untrained body around a challenging course just to be a symbol of something.

8.  But, I do need a vacation. And I miss my friends, who I haven't seen much since the semester from hell began. So I'm going to St. George.  I've decided to take all my stuff: bike, running shoes, wet-suit. I will decide after we drive the course if I'm doing it or not. I am giving myself permission to not do this.  And trust me when I tell you, it's taken weeks of agonizing and discussions in therapy to work this out.

7.  Just by having decided this, I feel a sense of relief.  I feel happier and more relaxed.

6.  In just 2 weeks, I'll have my life back again.  I'll be able to come home in the evenings.  I'll be able to garden after work.  I won't spend my weekends perseverance on papers to write.  For 3 full months it will be thus.

5.  Every week at work seems to have a theme.  Not too long ago, I had kids, one after another, with psychotic disorders.  Then another week was "sexually maladaptive week".  this week is angry pissy teenager week.  There they sit, glaring at me, answering me with clipped, paranoid, hostile ideation.  It's a scene.

4.  I received a letter at work letting me know that I was now cleared to work with substance abusers and sex offenders.
uh, thanks for clearing that for me.  I don't think so.

3.  In therapy i've been working on why i became so overwhelmed. here's part of what's come out: Crisis is defined as what happens when your ability to cope is exhausted by too many stressors.  In the past 6 months, I was laid off, then I couldn't get an interview for months. Then I rolled my ankle, and for 4 weeks, I couldn't run.  For weeks after that, I couldn't run on trails.  In December, the long crappy winter began.  I started a new job, and only had time to work out on weekends; every weekend sleet and snow would pelt the area.  In January, my car was broken into.  In January, I also started full time graduate school.  I was afraid of rolling my ankle.  I was afraid to run downhill.
In early February, I had the first panic attack.  Then our house was broken into.  The panic attacks continued.  In March, I did a second run I wasn't properly trained for, and suffered mightily.  Also in march, it finally started warming up enough for cycling, but again, many weekends had very crappy weather.

2.  So it turns out, according to my therapist, that they've seen a lot of people who are endurance runners who are injured, and about a month after the injury, when they're returning to training, the panic attacks begin.  They think it might have something to do with the body not being used to the feeling of increased heart rate, respiration, et cetera.

1.  But today, just today, i'm feeling good.  even if that fu**ing bird won't shut up.

...

10 comments:

  1. I realize that wearing an ankle brace is considered wimpy or uncool by many, but wearing one (and sometimes one on both ankles) has saved me from the horror of sprains or worse, and perhaps allowed my ankles time to finally heal from a lifetime of repeated sprains. This solved one problem at least, and helped with the stress and worry about missteps.

    I have no doubt that you can finish your race if you pace yourself. The question is, is the triumph of finishing (hopefully respectably) worth the aggravation? There's no right answer, just what makes you happy. Have fun deciding...

    Cynthia

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  2. Have you considered volunteering at St George if the the drive through tells you not to do it? I did that once for a marathon I had paid for but couldn't run and had a blast.

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  3. Sometimes being a bad ass is saying "I am an mature, accomplished, intelligent, hardworking woman and I don't have to prove a fucking thing to anyone, including myself, anymore."

    Good on you!

    I just made a similar decision about Vineman.

    Take care of yourself and if you need it the hardware store has these cool plastic owls that scare the shit out of song birds. Just a thought... :)

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  4. I think you made the best decision about St. George. Go out and have a good time. If it happens then it happens. No need to stress! Plus, enjoy your time off from school. I know that it was always my favorite time.

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  5. Love this post, Misty! What a heck of a winter you've had. As for St. George, I suspect you'll enjoy yourself no matter what!

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  6. I thought you'd enjoy seeing another blogger's training for the same event

    http://www.fatcyclist.com/2010/04/22/my-ironman-training-regimen-is-really-innovative/

    (more in some of his prior entries)

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  7. You have nothing to prove to anyone including yourself. St George will be there next year and the next. You have inspired me for years and that won't stop if you take a pass. You keep a frantic pace on races. We all get sucked into the more is better idea in training and racing but I think that's just unhealthy. Go, have fun, volunteer, suck up the wonderful Ironman spirit and give back. And drink some wine. :).

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  8. Loved your blog today! Particularly no. 11 since we have potlucks at work. One co-worker said it best: "I see how people keep their desks and it makes me wonder how they keep their homes. Not worth the risk!" So tell him you made it with "this finger and this finger" and give the appropriate hand gestures.

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  9. Isn't it amazing the perspective you get when you lay your life out in chronological order?! Glad things are making sense and you have found peace with St. George. Can't wait to hear what you decide and how it goes.

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  10. Other ways to enjoy the race: Volunteer instead of race at St. George, or be awesome cheering girl for your friends who are racing.

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2016

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