Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Whatever I want to be: Thursday Thirteen.

Things I've learned this week, in and out of therapy.  

13.  My father's voice is the voice inside my head, most of the time.  This is very unfortunate, because it's a voice of derision.  It's a voice that fills me with doubt.  Sometimes it's a voice that says, you did't try hard enough. Other times, it's a voice that says, it will never matter how hard you try.I need my own voice.


12.  I've never really been a dog kind of person.  But I'm being won over.  Even Baboo isn't as excited to see me each day as these guys are.  I mean, he's happy, but he doesn't wag so hard that his whole body moves, or try to lick my hand.  Maybe I just haven't asked nicely.
Anyway.  Furry welcomes are pretty great.

11.  I can stop a panick attack by jumping up and down really hard or running up a  hill. 

10.  Xanax works really, really well.  Really well. No.  REALLY.  It's also highly addictive, so, well, you know: find another way.  Red wine helps, too, but I imagine that jumping up and down hard or running up a hill is probably better for me.


9.  I've been in grad school continuously since 1997.  During that time, I've amassed 2 partial PhDs, and as of spring 2011, 3 master's degrees. It's time that I stopped, and started living my life.  There's nothing I need to prove.

8.  I do not need to binge at Linn's super buffet to feel like I have some control over my life.

7.  I am fine, just the way I am.

6.  This awful thing that happened to me 25 years ago, the one that I don't talk about much because my people don't ever talk about our feelings--we intellectualize and describe them ad nauseaum but never feel them--that thing.
It's done.  It's over.  Feel it, deal with it, and move on.  I am safe.  I am not trapped.  I am not in danger.

5.  I want to learn how to surf before I turn 50.

4.  I am not taking any classes this summer.  My goals are to shift my work hours to 9 to 6, so that I can have a nice dawn run.  I'm stoked.

3.  I am a runner.

2. I am a swimmer.

1. I am whatever I want to be.

...

8 comments:

  1. Loved your post. When it comes to weight I definitely have my mom's voice in my head and, like your dad's, that's not a good voice for me. I'm still working on finding my own voice.
    I'm glad you're liking your pups. Mine brings me almost constant joy. She's great to come home to, especially when the husband is deployed.
    Thanks for sharing so much with us, Amy

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  2. This is an awesome post! I hear my Mom's voice inside my head too... and yes, it's not a good thing. Lately, I wonder what voice I'm putting in my girls' head.

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  3. Sounds you had a big week, Misty. Hang in there, take care of yourself and listen for *your* beautiful, strong voice. WRT #5 check out surflasolas.com - my dream vacation for many years.

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  4. Cover your ears and keep moving forward and know that the love of your hubby, kids, dogs and us cancel out any of that negative stuff that has happened in the past.
    We love you. You are funny, pretty, athletic and smart.

    Surf Diva surf camp in La Jolla-
    they have other locations too.
    Hawaii would be nice...it's a rush! (But it's HARD...at least it was for me!) :-)

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  5. Loved this post; so honest.

    I am trying to learn to be a runner...very new at it and only up to 1.25 miles, but I have only become athletic at all in the last two years. I found your blog looking for runners and I hope to learn a lot from you!

    Kim @ http://knitten-kittens.com

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  6. Wow! You really put yourself out there today. These are good things - thank you for being willing to share this.
    Rock on!

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  7. Really liked this list. Good for you! I really struggle with my parents' voices in my head, especially my mother. Bringing that issue out into the open, where it's separate from you and you can examine it, begins the healing process I believe. At least it's helped me.

    I'm a long-time reader who finally got a Google account, so now I can comment. Yay! I really enjoy what you write, and you are quite motivating. I'm a southwesterner too, and hearing the different races you do gets me motivated to aim for some of them myself.

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  8. Wow
    Loved this post. Kinda inspiring me.

    Sadly number 13 is the same for me too.

    Thanks alot of sharing this!
    Cheers!

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