These are things people say to me. They've been said to me more than once. They've been said to me within the last six months.
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- "Little Johnny will be out for 6 days starting the day after tomorrow because we haven't been together as a family for several years and weren't able to organize a family get together during the three weeks he had off in December. Could you please prepare lessons and work for him to take in advance so he doesn't fall behind?"
My fantasy response:
You inconsiderate s&%t. Believe it or not, I'm not just babysitting here every day. You would actually throw up if you knew how busy I was, and on top of that, you want me to do more work to accomodate your schedule? Look, jerkoff, either home school your kid or don't home school them, but pick a side. There's no hybrid.
My real, gutless reponse:
Sure. Give me 24 hours to put it together.
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- I took my daughter Jane, who had D in all her classes, on a cruise to Mexico. We were planning it all year and I didn't want to disappoint her. Now she's failing. What's wrong with her school?
My fantasy response:
You irresponsible a##hole. She missed 7 straight days of teaching, not just doing work. You really think a kid is going to study on a cruise? You 're surprised her grade went down? Who's thegrownup here? You know, your kid would have a good chance at being an outstanding adult without you as a parent. Don't complain in a few years because your daughter can't hold a job and thinks that life is one big party.
My real, gutless reponse:
Well, gosh, you know she never made up any of the work that you asked me to give to her in advance, and I even gave her 7 days after she came back to make it up.
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- I wish everyone would stop complaining about my dog(s) barking. Dogs bark; that's what they do.
My fantasy response:
Yeah, and cats scratch, retch up hairballs and jump on my face in the middle of the night. Can I bring one of mine over to your house so that it can shred your furniture and jump on your face? No? Oh, I guess it wouldn't be fair of my to impose my pet choice on you. Just like it's not fair for you to impose your choice on me, which is what you're doing, when I listen to the constant barking 24-7. You bought that cute puppy, and as soon as he turned into a dog you stuck him in the back yard, never walk him, and he's bored and lonely. You don't deserve to own a pet.
My actual, gutless response:
Hmm. Maybe he could attend some obedience classes.
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- I'm tired of those damned cayotes. It's not safe to have pets with them around.
My fantasy response:
You short-sighted moron. You bought a nice house in the high desert because you love the natural scenery, and it's probably sitting on a coyote den. They aren't trespassing on your land; your trespassing on theirs. And why are you letting your pets run? There's a leash law in this town, idiot. If you loved your pet you'd keep it close to home so that it would be safe.
My actual, gutless response
It's amazing that they were able to get hold of your pet. Where was it when it happened?
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- I didn't attend the (staff/organizational) meeting because I had a non-emergency to attend to, like waxing my legs, or skiing with friends, or defosting my windshield, or something, and now I'm unhappy with what you decided in my absence.
My fantasy response
You lazy jerk. Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to complain about the people who are working on your behalf than to actually move your ass and so something? You had a choice, and you chose not to come. You lost your chance to make your voice heard.
My real, gutless reponse
Okay, well let me explain to you, in detail, what what discussed and why we came to this conclusion.
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- This was actually overheard in line at the store: I can't believe they canceled school because of snow. How am I supposed to find daycare? Geeze, those teachers get enough time off as it is. I want to see my tax dollars in action!
What I fantasize my reponse would be:
Hey, guess what. This isn't a day care. Guess what else? We don't cancel school so that the teachers will be safe, we cancel it so your kids will be safe. Do you really want to risk some lives just so that you aren't inconvenienced? Send school buses down unsafe roads for your benefit? Guess what else, moron? We're not getting free time off. It's all made up at the end of the year.
My actual, gutless response:
I realize how difficult this must be. It's difficult for us, too.
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- I have a teeny, tiny favor to ask.
What I fantasize about saying
No, you have an enormous imposition to impose. Nobody calls a favor "teeny tiny" unless, indeed, it is an enormous imposition.
My real, gutless reponse
Sure, what is it?
