"What do you think of me now that I've told you that?"

You just told me about some dark thoughts--thoughts that all of us have thought about at one time or another--and you want to know what I think of you now.  You asked me that while ringing your hands.

What do I think of you now?  

• I think middle school sucks.
  
  
• I think kids are cruel.
  
  
• I think everyone has dark thoughts, and thinking doesn't make you bad, acting on them does.
  
  
• I think you're human.
  
  
• I think you're too hard on yourself.
  
  
• I think you are hurt, and lonely.
  
  
• I think you're stuck in a hurt, lonely, hard-on-yourself place.
  

• And I'm hoping we can help you back out.  

...

Brief post.

I'm officially entered into the Javalena Jundred.  Which is way more expensive than just talking about doing it.  This past week, I finished my first 'real' training week; it was a 50 mile week, and now I figure I can think of about 10 different synonyms for how tired I am.

Saturday after our wet, splashy 20 mile hike/walk/run, we stopped at Subway to get sandwiches.  I can't believe how fast I made that foot long disappear, but I had the presence of mind to turn town chips, which is amazing, for me.

So this Subway is about 60 miles from town, and who was sitting there but our family doctor!  It was pretty gratifying to run into our PCP while on our good behavior.  I've sat in his office, and can attest that we're probably the more healthier of the folks that come in there.

So that's it.  That's all I was going to say.  I'm tired, I'm hungry, and about $240 poorer than I was earlier today. I know that's cheaper than an Ironman, but it was still pretty stunning to see it in print.  The JJ100 is 6-15.5 mile loops, and then an 8 mile loop.  I'm a bit agoraphobic, so I liked the loop format.

The initial plans are that Baboo will do a lot of pacing (he's doing this race with me) and DP will boss me around between loops.  I'm pretty grateful for that, because I will probably be out of my mind by the time I've hit the end of the 4th loop, which I'd like to try to hit by 11 pm..

...

Finding your way with a map and Baboo.

Today Baboo and I headed out to San Pedro Park Wilderness to do some hike/walk/running.

On my training calendar was 20 miles, and I didn't want to do it running back and forth on a crowded bosque trail, sharing it with weekenders cyclists pedaling 5 mph with no helmets, families walking 4 abreast, or roller-bladers and YES I am just that kind of snobby.

If I have to run 20 miles, I want my own section of trail.

We headed out with a trail map to do all this at 10,000 feet.  It was beautiful.

We even saw the magic mountain cows of San Pedro Parks.  

What the map didn't tell us was that on July 31, 2010, about 70% of the trail we chose would be under water.  

At first, I was all dainty, hopping from rock to rock to avoid getting the feetsies wet...but after several hours and several marshy, swampy meadows, it was clear to me that we were running down and up a stream with occasional dry areas. 

I just stomped through each wet area. 

For about half the run, Baboo appeared to be working diligently to stay 50 yards ahead of me - I would speed up and try to catch him, but as soon as I started running he would head off at a dead sprint until he was nearly out of sight.

He said it was because his knee hurt when he tried to run as slow as me.  Or something.

Anyway, he was able to take lots of pictures of me, and the run, and he fully redeemed himself with a talent of which, before now, I was unaware.


Now, because the trail was interrupted with so many marsh/swamp/meadow areas, it was the case that either the trail had been completely overgrown since the last time people used it, or more likely, people saw the wet marsh/swamp/meadow and turned back.

Either way, there were vast areas of unmarked areas that interrupted the trail, and you couldn't see where it picked up on the other side, and we're all spoiled by races in that we expect either flags or a corner marshal: there were neither.

I knew that Baboo had studied, oh, what the hell is it called, "Land Navigation" in college, or so I thought.  Actually, he studied it in the Marines, and just for fun, did extra training in the art and science of finding your way.

I had my very own Marine land navigation specialist - all to myself!

It's amazing to think that I would be surprised 11 years into our relationship, but there it was: he didn't just take us straight across large, unmarked, untrailed areas, he led us precisely to where the other end of the trail was.  With a map.

Don't get me wrong; I can read a map, and I can follow the sun...but I'm not sure I could be as precise as he was.




He also specialized in driving vehicles over rugged terrain, so I just sit back and relax when we bounce along the graveled roads of NM.

He also takes awesome pictures, 

and picks awesome places to run.  Where I can have my very own trail.  

and no, he's still taken.  And so am I.

...

Thursday 13: Untitled.

Dear Diary:

13 It is finally raining here.  We came home from Leadville to rain.  The next morning I got up to go to work, put the dog out, and she has two preferred places to be when it rains: huddled under a patio table that affords no protection, or sitting in the middle of the patio, in the rain, staring in at me, because sadly, she doesn't know:

I will not be manipulated.

I finally went out side with a leash and dragged her over to her shelter, a large shed that is clean, dry, and has a large doggie door in the side.  She resisted the entire time, dug in her feet, and as soon as I let go of the leash, bolted back over the sit on the wet patio, in the downpour, and stare at me. Fine.  Whatever.  I went to work. This is proof of creationism.  Dogs could not have survived for millions of years without us.  They are just too, too dumb.  Sweet, but dumb. 

12.  Now that Sweet Baboo is "tapering" (read: he's only running 50 miles this week) he's the boss of my training, and runs with me.  For some reason, this makes me run faster.  I don't know why.  It's not like I'm trying to prove anything to himself.  Maybe it's just that having a running buddy, I'm too self conscious to take my usual lazy walk breaks.  The result: faster times in training. 

11.  I have come to the conclusion that I am sadly lacking in symmetry.  How do I know this?  Behold, my evidence:
a) Whenever I wear Cw-x tights, the "supportive" seams always rotate inward on my right leg.
b) My left calf muscle has an ongoing issue, but only my left.

I have to assume that I lurch along, not unlike Quasimoto.  Next thing you know, I'll have a built-up running shoe. 

10.  This week I had a kid's case on my desk, one that I taught my last semester of teaching.  I went down to the youth detention center (kid jail) to interview him for admission.

Since I last saw him, he's used a lot of meth, heroin, alcohol, and inhalants.  He lives alternately on the streets and in hotels, when he gets enough money from stealing and reselling stuff and has some leftover after buying drugs.  The year that I taught him was the last year he finished of school.  He's not as smart as he used to be.  He's really tired. 

When I asked him if he wanted to come to the hospital where I work.  He waved his hand around the jail, and said, "I don't know.  I seem to do best when I"m in here.  Maybe I should just stay here as long as I can".

When you're 17, and resigned to a life in lockup, who can give you hope?

How do you get hope back? 

9.   I turns out that even though I had only planned to do a few long events on the last quarter of the year, the training is still sucking up a lot of time.  I had planned on doing a lot of sprint triathlons, but holy hell: I spend most of my time running.  I can't believe I signed up for a hundred miler.  I  must be crazy. 

8.  Sorry for the downer (#7).  It's just that I thought about this kid from time to time.  He was the smartest in his class.  I figured he'd be the one to make it.  You just never know. 

7.  I dropped another pound.  I went to my ticker, up at the top of this page, to enter in my new weight, and it was all, "New!  Now track your waist measurement!"  Oh, HELL no.  I am not going public with that.  My weight is one thing; my actual measurements are another. 

6.  I will share, however, that the size 10s are starting to loosen.  This is good, because I want to weigh as little as possible if I'm going to try to drag my ass over 100 miles. 

5.  My training this week:

• Friday: 10 mile hike to the top of Hope Pass and back.
• Saturday: 7.3 mile run around Silverthorne, Colorado, Elevation 9000 feet, rising up to around 9400 feet, dropping down to 8800 feet, and then back up to 9000.
• Sunday: 7.8 mile trail run alongside Turquoise Lake, mostly flat, starting at 9900 feet.
• Monday: rest
• Tuesday: 4.2 mile trail run at home, elevation gain, 563 feet.
• Wednesday: 8 mile road run, elevation gain, 355 feet. 
• Thursday, 6.7 miles, road/trail, elevation gain, unknown.
• Total mileage: 44 miles.  Not a bad start. 

 4.  It's amazing that I ran on Thursday.  I haven't stuck with a training plan and actually run a single Thursday until now.  Of course, Baboo is watching over me, so I'm too self conscious not to.  It will be an even bigger miracle of I do both of my long runs this weekend: 20 miles on Saturday, 12 on Sunday. 

3.   Wednesday's run was momentous for a very important reason: I wore a running skirt.  I have NEVER been able to wear those things.  But last night, I wore one, and only tugged the shorts down twice.  You men won't understand.  You women will. 
 
2.  I will share my favorite fast meal: steamable bagged veggies, kraft easy mac in a cup, and some tuna or salmon.  I suppose you could use chicken.  Mix it all together, and divide in half, and voila: the guilty pleasure of mac and cheese with veggies and protein.  
 
1.  Thursday is binge day.  I have decided that I will have: a donut.  More on this later.  
 
... 

Leadville Weekend pictures

First, you should know that we stayed in the "white-tailed deer" room at the Rio Grande Motel.  It was like a scavenger hunt.  I couldn't wait to see what would have deer on it next!

Behold......

This is the cabin ruins that are near the top of Hope Pass.










Nice, huh?  It's almost pretty enough to be Windows Wallpaper!

My attempt to look as cute in my self-pictures as RBR does...

Do something, whenever you can, that scares you.

Friday we arrived in the area of the Leadville trail run, and even before docking at our accomodations there was a planned run in the morning.  We started out from twin lakes: Me, Sweet Baboo, Ken, Jean, and Mo.  Some other guy showed up from Massachusettes, but he was actually from Romania, and that's all I know, so that's all I'll say about him. 

The area is breathtaking.  I took pictures.  I'll upload them when I get home.  jagged peaks that once held glaciers, well above the tree line, some with bits of snow still on them.

We started out and after a mile or so I heard a mention of river crossing,  and I, uh, HUH?  river crossing?  Oh, well.  No big deal.  River crossings in New Mexico are streams that may or may not have water actually in them, and most of the time, you can just jump across them.

So as we jogged along, every once in a while I would run across some water, pretty still, about 4 to 6" deep, where some slow-moving streams crossed our path.  Finally I asked Ken, "so, is this the river?"

"Not yet," he said.

Then we got to the river.

Oh.  Shit.

It was an actual river.  With cold water was moving fast.  I mean, it wasn't the mighty Mississippi or anything, but there was no way you were getting across this without serious wetness.  My time across, I stepped down...and down...and down...until I was ass deep in rushing mountain cold water.  I was almost freaking out, not because I was ass deep in cold rushing water, but because it was fast, with a strong current, and it was pushing me backwards.  Lucky for me I had that Clydesdale in back of me to keep me from moving.

So I came up out of the river, soaking wet from butt to feet, and then we headed up to the trail head and parted ways.  The plan was, those training for Leadville 100  would go up and over Hope pass, which is around 12,000 feetish above sea level, and then back up and over from the opposite side. 

My plan was to make it to the pass and come straight back.  They moved on ahead, and Baboo had flour in a water bottle and whenever they made a turn, he marked it with the flour, and so in that way the path was marked. 

It was a long grind.  I get pretty breathless at those altitudes, so my resolve was dissipating rapidly.  I realized as I got pretty close where I figured the pass would be and realized, I had no way of knowing when I had reached a "pass".  I didn't grow up in the mountains. 

Was there a sign saying, "HOPE PASS"?  or, "You have reached The Pass"?

A greeter?  

I hiked up for a couple hours, saw a couple of ruined cabins, and hiked a little more ways up, decided I was tired of climbing this thing and, well, hell, *I* was not getting ready to run Leadville 100 so I headed back down the path to the bottomland.  I found out later that I was within a half mile of the pass, so I'll call it good.

I took pictures. I'll up load them at home.

But then, on the way back, I was alone.  I got the river, and walked up and down the beach, trying to find away across without a 200 pound man to cling to, and I made a couple of false starts, walking back to shore when the water go deeper.  It's not that I was afraid of drowning or anything.  It's mostly that I had electronics, including my phone, in the pack and was afraid of being pushed over backwards, underwater, and ruining them.  That, and maybe hitting my head on a rock and drowning. 

I turned around and came back to shore, finally decided, I'll just wait until they all come down off the mountain so that Baboo could provide a nice anchor for getting across. 

But that could be hours. 

Finally, I thought, I can do this.  I can do this.  I stood there for a really long time thinking that.  I stuck my handheld in the chest strap of my hydration pack, grabbed a long stick, and stepped back into the water.  I got to the deeper part, and even as the water pushed me backward, while I was stepping backwards, I continued stepping sideways, facing into the current the way Baboo told me to do, and then, well, then I was on the other side.   

It was one of the weird, trimphant moments when nobody was around but me to know it, but there it was.  So I took a picture of the river, and now it's on my cell phone.  When I get home, I'll upload it here. 

Later we drove to Leadville, altitutude 11K or so, and ate some really awesome Mexican food. 

THIS morning, Saturday morning, I woke really tired.  I didn't sleep well, and had had about 9 hours of sleep in two days.  Baboo and I headed out to Leadville again, and got coffee, and by then I was a little nauseated, and my head was starting to hurt and pound a little.

 I'm no fool, so I begged off the run and went back down to 8000 feet to rest.  I looked up altitude sickness, and it had a list for "mild" sickness that went like this:
Symptoms generally associated with mild to moderate altitude illness include:

•Difficulty sleeping (check)
•Dizziness or light-headedness (Mmmm.  Maybe)
•Fatigue (check)
•Headache (check)
•Loss of appetite (no, not really)
•Nausea or vomiting (check)
•Rapid pulse (heart rate) (check)
•Shortness of breath with exertion (you mean more than usual? check)

So tonight, we're supposed to do an "after dark" run.  I really want to do this, so I'm going to rest and hopefully feel better to go later. 

It occured to me when I was walking around a gift shop the other day that I want to have the kind of life where I can to see, and be among, the things that most people see on TV or in paintings. Running around in the mountains is a pretty good start, I think.  I also credit Baboo for exposing me to a lot of things I might have been afraid of in another life. 

...

Thursday 13, The Late Edition.

13.  Today is the day I'm done with the first half of my social work internship.  I simply got credit for doing my job, although I had "learning objectives".  The second half, I'll be spending fall and spring for 2010-11 doing 15 hours extra per week.  My work has generously offered me an internship that I can largely do on my own time - I'll be writing and possible conducting training for treatment foster care parents at the place where I work.  They don't care if I work on it during down time at work.  I can't say enough about how great these people treat me.  If only the pay wasn't about the lowest around, I'd stay forever.

12.  Today is the day before we go to Leadville for the weekend, so that Sweet Baboo can run with peeps and I can suck on a can of oxygen and watch my fingernails turn grey.  We'll be staying at 10,000 feet, I think.

11.  There's a lake there on the Leadville trail.  I'm taking my wet-suit. And a neoprene cap.  And neoprene booties. 

10.  I got a report from someone in mental health this week that was embarrassing.  I was embarrassed for this person.  It appeared, I shit you not, to have been written by a kid in the 9th grade.  Bad punctuation, bad spelling, some of the spelling so bad that I couldn't figure what word was meant.  Stuff like this:

This client was about The client's father works in construction and 
The clients mother is a fulltime mother who stays at home .The client 
Was having problems as an early age with ajregous behavior . and the 
client was also reputed to have problemsw ith aggressive behavior 
but this is not substantiated other than the current charges of assault .
There are three siblings who live with the father 1)a sister age 12 2) a 
Brother aged 9 3)another sister aged 6.


Yeah, stuff like that. How did you get out of college with writing like that?  I nearly went crazy trying not to go over the entire thing with red ink.  I wanted to write something at the top like, "please proofread" at the top or, "please use your spellcheck!" together with a frowny face. 

It was from someone in another part of the state.  When I politely inquired if this clinician had tested this kid for depression or anxiety, the response was that they don't have tests like that up there. Where? Up there on the moon?  What the hell?

9.  I did my 4 mile run Tuesday, and my 6-mile run Wednesday, both at dawn, and it was still hot.

8. So far, I've stayed under my points at WeightWatchers.  My weight seems to have stalled for now.  I'm not too worried, in fact, I could stay at this weight indefinitely.  Clothes fit me now.

7.  I have discovered, quite by accident - I SWEAR - that those canned air dusters really freak cats out.

6.  A few months ago I had a tense, angry teenager in my office who told me that if I couldn't help him, right now, right that second, he wasn't answering any of my "stupid questions".  He's one of about 2 or 3 kids that I couldn't get to talk to me. 

I can usually spin it pretty good to where they relax and start talking.  It's one of my special gifts, good for a very small percentage of vocations...like high school teaching, and, well, what I do now.  Anyway, I forgot about him until he asked his therapist to bring him to my office, so that he could show me how well he's doing, because he's about to be discharged.  I didn't recognize him at first, because he was relaxed and happy and smiling.  And proud. 

I've come to find out that we do a good job where I work, and I feel good about working at a place where we do a good job, and tense, angry teenagers on a path to self destruction walk out, at least for that moment, relaxed and happy.

5.  Last week I talked about kids and meltdowns.  Yesterday I had another clinician in my office and a kid had a meltdown right outside my office door.  Not only was it distracting, but she was trapped, because the kid was sitting right against the door, surrounded by counselors tying to talk him down.  So after an awkward pause, we were all, "so, how are the kids?" 

4.  I think that some people take themselves wayyyyy too seriously.  That is all.

3.  If you didn't already know about this, I'll tell you: Starbucks has a frapaccino lite that is made with syrup sweetened with Stevia.  A granda carmel or mocha frapaccino lite is 150 calories, or 3 weight watcher points.  That's three miles.  Totally worth it. 

2.  I am in a classroom right now that is not my classroom, and everyone is staring at me because they know I don't belong in here...so...I have to go now.

1.  Cheers, y'all. 
...