Friday, March 26, 2010

To Himself, who reads my blog.

I don't like neediness.  But I don't like standoffnish either.  Pick a place in between.  For instance, the dogs are okay some of the time.
Other times, they send me screaming. You have never sent me screaming, BTW.

I'm hoping to decorate our home in a kind of mountain cabin atomic mid-century motif.
In other words, it's how I imagine a person might decorate their mountain home in the late 1950s or early 1960s.  It only makes sense to me.  But that's okay.  Here's an inspiration picture:  

I'm not a fashionista.  But I do like to be well-dressed.  I like clothes that show my shape, skim my hips...but don't appear come-on-ish.  I like being subtle.  Kind of a cross between Audrey Hepburn and Marylin Monroe.

My 2-year-plan is: work where I'm at >> finish my MSW >> graduate >> get my LMSW >> get a job at UNMH or the VA. 

Sometimes I liked being girly.  
Sometimes I liked being athletic.  
Sometimes I like being tough.  
Sometimes I liked being vulnerable.  
I'm complicated.

Even when I'm cranky, or depressed, or anxious, I still think my life is better than it would be without you.

I'm much happier when I'm not in class 3 nights a week.  I know that now.  When that ends, in less than 6 months, things will be easier.  *I* will be easier. I will be less cranky.  I will be done, more or less, with who I planned to be.

I want to run more.  I'm working on it.  I'm trying to carve out more time to do it.  Now that it's spring, I'm hopeful for lots of morning runs.  I will complain.  I will stall.  Even though I want to. 

I'm terrified of doing 100K.  Which means I'll probably try it, at least once.  When I've committed myself to something, no matter how terrifying, I can't back down.  The feeling of failure, of being a quitter, is more terrifying to me than any start line.

That time you told me my ass looked good in those pants was the best thing I've heard in a while. Anyone can go to college.  Not everyone can have an ass that looks good in pants.  Sayin'.

Even though I complain, and whine, and wheeze, I do appreciate how much harder I work when I'm running with you.  I still need a run or two alone each week, to be lost within my self.  But when I'm with you, I work harder than I might otherwise.

I also wish I wasn't so messy.  I'm trying to figure that out.  I've solved other problems, I know I can solve this. 

I was very serious about the surfing thing. There's less than 5 years to plan for this. 
I fully expect the two of us to be able to do this:

<3 M

...and I, I have a goal.

Dear Diary, For the first time in 7 years I have a goal. It takes a lot to get me motivated.  I am the demotivation queen.  The princess...