Dear Diary,
I hate talking on the telephone.
I talk on the phone all day at work. I get off one call, and can have between five and thirteen messages waiting. The last thing I want to do when I leave work is talk on the phone.
I'm deaf in one ear and have been since about age 2. A neurologist told me that the auditory areas of my brain were probably mapped for something else, which is why I prefer not to get information that way. I prefer to see faces, or text and pictures. Also, since I only have one ear, I only have one shoulder available for holding the phone. I can't switch to the other wide when my arm gets tired or if I want to do anything. And chances are, I want to do something other than sit on the phone, like cook. Or eat. Or clean. In any case my shoulder is permanently jacked from phone use at work. It's pretty painful.
I also hate the feeling of a phone pressed up against my face. I remember when phones were curved so that one end was near your mouth, and one end near your ear. Why was that changed? That was a good design. Now I have a piece of plastic alongside my face -- only one side, remember -- and it gets all greasy and make-uppy. Sometimes I accidentally disconnect my call with my face. Bad, bad design.
I get shitty reception anyway at home. My neighbors each get perfect reception. I get half of a bar. Sometimes I remember to forward my phone to my home number. Sometimes I' don't.
I consider the phone something that you use to share information. Briefly. I haven't spent hours on the phone since I was dating my husband back in 1999. You get on, exchange information, and get off. Send me a text, or an email, or PM me on Facebook.
So why am I writing this here? Well, because I have said these things every year, once a year, to my daughter I have BEGGED her to email me. She will not. She has occasionally texted me. She then gets all pissy, i just want to hear the sound of your voice, is that so bad?
So I'm going public: Yes. Yes, it is. I actually have a pretty busy life. You will note that I respond almost instantly to your emails and texts. The fact that you continue to insist on doing this your way, even though it causes me pain and discomfort, tells me that you are indeed quite selfish and are unable to delay gratification. You have two siblings, both of whom are happy to text and email me, and they still feel loved and don't try to emotionally blackmail me. They respect my hearing problem, my painful shoulder.
Also, when I get on the phone with you, the vast majority of the time you are doing something with somebody else, and then laughing and giggling and distracted, you say, what mom? Sorry, SORREEEE, MOM. I was just telling my roommate something.
You are impossible to get off the phone, too, I suspect you call me when you can't find anything to do, because there are long pauses during which you have nothing to say, especially after you've said, so whaddayadoin'?
The answer to that question has always been, I'm talking on the phone, and nothing else, because I can't do anything else.
Until you get it each and every phone call will be answered with a text. I realize that in some circles that means I'm a horrible mom. In others, you're a horrible kid. But I still love you. Now write me a note.
The end.
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