Dawn of the Childless Vacation

I'm almost ready for our 11-day Vacation Blitz! This was the one where there will be (did I mention this?) NO KIDS. Just Sweet Baboo and myself. I've stopped the mail, and hired a neighbor kid to water and feed the cats, fish, etc. Today I'm going to mosy into 'Burque to see if I can pick up a running skirt, to pack with the rest of my skort collection.
Mini-me is headed out for camp for a week, then staying with friends. Here's our itinerary:

• Day 1/2: Flagstaff, AZ for the Mountain Man Sprint triathlon.
• Day 3-4: We hit Lee Vining, CA and Lake Tahoe. Maybe a long swim in Lake T?
• Day 5-7: Portland, OR to visit relatives, and check out their legendary commuter cycling trails.
• Day 8/9: Bend, OR for the Deutches Dash Sprint Triathlon.
• Day 10/11: Pocatello ID, then home.

Did I forget to mention there will be NO KIDS on this vacation?

My daughter called me yesterday. She seemed hurt and bewildered that I was THAT excited about not having any kids along on vacation.

"Dearie, let me explain something to you. Imagine that you have a great life. In this life you have a job, and some money left over to play with. In this life you have a roommate, whom you adore. Can you picture that? Are you with me so far?
"Now, imagine that your roommate is unemployed. You pay for everything. In return, she steals your stuff, throws up on your furniture, floods the bathroom, eats all your favorite food without asking, ruins the carpeting with nail polish, and lies about you to her teachers for sympathy. Do you have that in your head? Can you picture that sweetie? That's parenthood."

"Awright, I GET IT mom. You can stop now"

"Now, you can't legally do anything about your freeloading friend - you have to keep feeding and sheltering and clothing her. Sometimes she's nice to you, but then she runs up the phone bill, calls you names, screams at you, tells you you're stupid, tells your friends (her teachers) to F---off, and then sulks because you won't get her an mp3 players or an Internet connection..."

"I SAID I GET IT, MOM!!"

Not that I hate kids. Far from it. I've chosen to spent my life teaching, counseling, coaching, and what have you - I consider it a calling. However, I became a mother at 19. I've never, in my adult life, had my own space that wasn't constantly being invaded.
My home should be a sanctuary, so that after being told directly or indirectly by the eighth-graders I teach that I'm an idiot all day, the theory is that I would come home, relax, and gear up for another day.

Except...well, I get it coming and going. I have one 15-year-old left at home, 15-year-old Mini-me, who hates it when I call him that, (so I do it as often as possible, because it's all I've got). Mini-me is actually a pretty good kid, but developmentally, he's a teenager, so he's required to reject all our dearest held values and beliefs while he forms his own, and act in an irrational and irascible fashion. In our family, our dearest held values are education and sound mental health. In school, he endeavors to overcome the stigma of being "the teacher's kid" by making my collegues' lives hell, and I get phone calls about it while I'm teaching, including the once-yearly, "Mom, I overslept. I'm still at home and I missed the bus. What should I do?" (Answer: pretend it's a 5K and start running, triathlon boy.)

Did I mention this vacation would have NO children??