Sunday, April 22, 2007

A new evil in my life.

Okay, so I know that many bloggers have given you their take on the Garmin 305 wonder, but I thought I'd give you the opinion of some who is 1) slothful and 2) dishonest and 3) given to self delusion and rationalizations.

Today I took out the Garmin 305, hereforafter known on my blog as the reoccuring character, Evil Garmin Genie. Me and the Evil went for a long run, and here's how it went.

If you're like me, slothful, dishonest, and addicted to rationalizations, then you don't want, you need an Evil Garmin Genie, especially if and when you have ever subscribed to any of the following delusions/misconceptions/rationalization, as I have:
  • I'm not really that slow; they just marked the miles incorrectly.
  • I'll make it up on the downhills.
  • I'm not really that slow; it's just the wind/slight uphill that's making it seem that way.
  • If I hadn't gone back to pick up that lipstick/cell phone/gel that I dropped on the path, my average pace would have been better.
  • Gee, I'd love to do trail running, but I can't, because there's no mile markers.
  • I'll just switch off my timer while I go pee, because it shouldn't count against my pace, since I'm not really running...
So, yes, shut UP, I lie to myself. OFTEN.

Moreover, I round up and round down (whichever makes me look better) so that I can continue to do so. Then I enter my lies into whatever log I'm keeping that month, or add it to the running total in my head, which is suspect, and the lie continues.

But no more. Evil Garmin Genie is brutally honest. I must say, I respect any entity that is honest, whether it's Sweet Baboo, the Jimmy, or Evil Garmin Genie.
During setup, I set the main window to show me four things: my heart rate, which I was trying to keep at 155 or under; total elapsed time, my current pace (in miles per minute), and elapsed time for the current lap.
Through it all, Evil Garmin Genie made sure I was keepin' it real

E.g., Me: "wow, I feel great! I'm flyin'!"
Evil Garmin Genie: CURENT PACE 14.2 min/mi

The next cool thing about Evil Garmin is that I can go ANYWHERE. I mean, ANYWHERE. I'm no longer a slave to routes I can find in Google Earth or the route finder on BeginnerTriathlete.

As in, "hey, I wonder where THAT path goes?" It it counts into my distance, and I don't have to remember it later on to try to retrace my route, because Evil Garmin takes it all into account into my distance. It not only makes up for my inherant dishonesty, but my forgetfulness, as well.

Finally, there's no "rounding" because as soon as I pop Evil Garmin into it's evil cradle, it calls up the software (it came with it and I installed it) and uploads it before I have a chance to try to stop it or try to monkey around with it to make me look better/sleeker/faster, etc. It uploaded everything and logged it: my time, course profile, elevation, map of where I went, my pace, everything.

So, it's the end of an era. The end of my charming self-deluding bullshit. I've been found accountable, and I've done it to myself.

Thank you, Evil Garmin Genie.



  1. And here I thought your new evil was having NASCAR groupie sex.

    I'm just sayin'....

  2. Heh, I also find with Garmin I don't cut the corners on the road routes to take the shortest path now. Garmin is wise to that crap, and I get full credit for going around the widest part of the curve on roads.

  3. Um, NASCAR groupie sex?????

    Your blog is making me want all kinds of new stuff. I'm coveting like mad. Garmin, new bike, coach... maybe I can satisfy my envy by going out & buying a pair of sexy pink toe socks. Hmmm...

  4. Hmmm...I don't know...sometimes my Garmin says some way crazy stuff. Shows me diving to the center of the earth and my heart rate skyrocketing to nearly 300bpm briefly for no reason. I can be running next to another person with a Garmin and our paces can read very differently so...I think the Garmin is not 100% either and you can still lie to anyone you want to if you wish. ;-) I would vouch for you.

  5. Ooooh it all sounds a bit daunting. I was thinking of hinting for an Evil Garmin Genie for Mother's Day but might just go for a sentimental coffee mug instead

  6. Can you get pink ones?

  7. Hi, I just found your very entertaining and inspiring blog. I'm an athena, wanna-be-triathlete, training for my first sprint event in six weeks. My blog ( is the chronicle of my progress... so far I've lost almost 30 pounds (but at 5'9 and 195, I don't think I'll ever not be an Athena!) and am feeling quite optimistic that I can achive my first goal. So much so that I've already set another one: to run a 10K by the end of the summer! I'll be back to visit you often!

  8. I don't think you can get pink ones. It does come in a lovely rosey red, though.
    Nascar WHAT??

  9. Did I tell you mine is French?

    Oh yes, it's Monsieur Garmin (pronounced "gar-MEAN").

    Sort of like the running Maitre d'.

  10. I think I've gotta get one of those. Although I don't really delude myself into thinking I'm fast, I could use the kick in the butt! :)

  11. LOL everyone loves their Evil Garmin Genie...Bigun just got me a bigger version for the Mini...I guess next he'll be getting me one for my bike....
    I still think they lie though. Really. I do. Evil Liars. last time I rode with Bigun (long time ago) it said we were only averaging 13mph. What the hell?!?! My hair was blowing in the wind. It had to be ATLEAST 17mph. Afterall, my hair was blowing!

  12. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

    Are you SURE that thing is honest? 14.2 min/mi?! I _KNOW_ you run faster than that because I've struggled to keep up with you.

    *Devastating realization washes over* This means _I'm_ not flying, either.

    That thing IS evil.

  13. Never underestimate my ability to mosy. And remember, it was 10.46 miles! Most of the time, though, think my pace was around 13 min/mi

  14. Evil is very nice to say about the garmin. I've said far worse. I know that I run through black holes and once I'm sure that I was in the Bermuda triangle.

  15. It still amazes me that given all you've accomplished that you can ever use words like slothful or lazy (I don't think lazy was in this post, but still). Maybe the Evil Genie will get you to give yourself MORE credit. You're out there doing a lot more than most people!

  16. Thought you might want to see that the course is up:

  17. Oh, heck. Slothful and lazy are very relative. I do a lot, but I do it at a leisurely pace. All that's about to change, though, thanks to THE JIMMY!


Comments containing links to commercial websites from people with invisible profiles are deleted immediately. Spammers are immediately deleted.

...and I, I have a goal.

Dear Diary, For the first time in 7 years I have a goal. It takes a lot to get me motivated.  I am the demotivation queen.  The princess...